Bleary-eyed

I once asked this literary agent what writing paid the best, and he said, "ransom notes."
~ Get Shorty

I am hoping that this National Board writing gains me the label "Nationally Board Certified". Short of ransom notes, it is also the means to earning a 12% raise. I have spent the majority of this day watching the video of my lesson (I will scream if this portion doesn't get a nod of approval from the person overseeing our endeavor - but it won't surprise me b/c the sound isn't the best) and writing bullshit answers to bullshit questions. Am I done with this portion? NO! Am I over this for today? YES. I could feasibly work some more on it, but I have church Family Night which requires a covered dish. Do I know what I am making? No. Would I rather stay home? Yes. No can do though since Son is in the Nativity. I found out last night that he needs to know how to sing Away in a Manger. It's been a year since we broke out in Christmas song (except for the bogus songs Hubby keeps playing from Special XMas on XM....but those are definitely not appropriate for tonight). So, thanks to LimeWire we periodically practice. I guess I should go begin getting ready....did I mention it's 4:20 & I don't know what time it starts? Good times.

New Song

How You Live (Turn Up the Music)
Verse 1:Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Chorus:Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Verse 2:So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Chorus:Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Bridge:Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

Verse 3:So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself'
Cause in the end there's nobody else

Chorus: Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been'
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live ~ Point of Grace

I heard this song on the way home from work last NIGHT (yes, I worked until after 8 last night & yes, I am merely a teacher & no, it wasn't for the National Boards). It stuck a chord. Enjoy.

Turkey Break

The family should be a closely knit group. The home should be a self-contained shelter of security; a kind of school where life’s basic lessons are taught; and a kind of church where God is honored; a place where wholesome recreation and simple pleasures are enjoyed. ~ Billy Graham

Break is over, unfortunately. I was able to put the National Boards on the backburner for a bit....until tonight when the reality of life started gnawing at me. The day before Thanksgiving, the kids and I took advantage of the warm, sunny weather and took a stroll on the beach. We soaked in the warmth of the rays, took fun pictures, and enjoyed each other's company. I am thankful for my family and the opportunity to spend wonderful days with them. :0)

BTW.....How can I put the pics where I want them instead of lined up in an ugly, uncreative fashion?!

Trivial Pursuit - 80's Edition

Cowabunga, Dude! ~ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Friday night rocked! My clan and Ethel's clan went over to the Karaoke King's palace for an evening of laughter, drinks, snacks, and Trivial Pursuit! We had a fantastic time hangin' out.....it wouldn't have been any less enjoyable even if we HAD lost the game....but boy was winning SWEET!

Zombie

A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~ Charlotte Bronte

I tossed and turned, tossed and turned, AND tossed and turned. Then I was hot. Then I was itchy. Finally, I dozed off for a short nap before my eyes popped open at 3:15. It was that "pop open" that immediately lets you know that there is NO way you are going back to sleep any time soon. There was nothing acceptable on tv (and I will watch some garbage) so I got up and worked on the Social Studies lesson I am going to teach for the National Boards. For my lesson (which must feature artwork linked to Social Studies as well as demonstrate that I have created a classroom community where everybody gets along and problem-solves) the students (in small groups - another requirement of this lesson) will create campaign artwork and a slogan to try to get a character from a book elected to represent our class in the 2nd grade election. I searched for campaign posters, bumper stickers, magnets, bags, buttons, etc. from several elections and created a PowerPoint asking the students to observe the features of these campaign items (prominent name, year, slogan, colors, pictures, etc.). I also created a worksheet to help guide them through the creation of their artwork. They will get to choose whichever medium they would like to campaign for their candidate. I hope the video of this lesson turns out well. I'm putting all my eggs in this basket for right now so it better pay off!!! I finished my work and went back to bed at 6:30. I AM SO GLAD I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL TODAY!! I was able to sleep until 8:30 when the rest of the free world felt that it was acceptable to call: two telemarketers and the children's dentist to confirm Daughter's appointment for next week. I wanted to scream, but I guess I needed to start the day. I'll pull my hair out if I can't sleep tonight. I am not one of those people that can exist without enough sleep. I become even nastier than usual [beat you to the insult, Hubby ;-) ] and have even less patience than normal. Already I feel as though I spent last night out partying when I merely spent a quiet evening at home....well, as quiet as a house can get with two kids who are treading on each other's nerves.

Starfall.com

It's my special dot com. ~ Son

Luscious reminded me recently of a site that I had found during grad school. Now that Son is at that "learning to read" phase, it's perfect. Today I told him that I was going to tell his teacher about it. He balked because...."It's my special dot com." Luscious and I were on the phone when this all went down and we both giggled. I wanted to make sure I remembered it so I figured I'd blog about it. If you have a child who is learning to read, check it out....but don't tell Son....you know why: it's his special dot com. ;0)

Asshole

I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole am I. But there' no bigger asshole than a GD Lambda Chi. ~ frat boys singing outside the Lambda Chi house btwn. '88-'92

Last night Luscious and I were scurrying across the parking lot between the Four Seasons Mall and the Sheraton. It was in the 40's and neither of us were wearing coats....who wants to tote a coat around the mall?! We had to spend more time outdoors because I had forgotten to take my phone charger into the hotel and we had to get it out of the car before both of our phones were dead. I didn't know where the vehicle was parked since I had had the joy of waiting with the bell man (def. not boy) with our stuff while she parked the day we arrived. On our way to the gas-guzzling SUV (pointed out to us at a gas station on the way here by some guy in a minuscule car aka DEATH TRAP), we spied a parking spot quite close to the entrance of the hotel. As per Luscious's instructions, I ran to the empty spot (in heels, mind you) and stood in it so nobody could park in it. Before she could reach me, a chick in a car pulled up wanting my space. I yelled to her that someone was coming. Her response: I don't care. I smiled and stood my ground hoping she wouldn't mow me down to get the coveted spot. Rather than maim me, she called me an asshole and angrily drove away. Fortunately, Luscious was right behind her. I was afraid she might come back and (to quote Stevie - Ethel and Carolina will get this one) "kick my ass". Yes, it was an asshole move....but today will be much sweeter when we have to get all of our crap to the car. Not only did we bring a bunch of stuff....but we've acquired MORE!!! Yay for a successful trip!!!

PROCRASTINATION

He's looking so geeky he couldn't even get into a science-fiction convention. ~ Red Dwarf

BUT she's just geeky enough to present at the North Carolina Science Teacher's convention! I have so much to do that I am procrastinating by sitting in front of this screen. We present tomorrow. What's done? The PowerPoints. My clothes are in a bag (NOT IRONED - Luscious will have hives over that one!) Not done:
* all the supplies are not gathered and packed
* the hand-outs are not copied
* the links to the documents have not been uploaded to my school web site (didn't know I had that one, did you?)
* my plans are not printed nor are the materials lined up in my typically anal fashion
* there isn't enough gas in my car for me to get to work
* Son's turkey project (due Fri., but has to go w/me today) is still wet with glue even though I glued it on Monday. OK...maybe I squeezed a lot on there BUT the hot glue would not adhere to the Fun Foam so I was left with Elmer's Glue All. Let me tell you.....Elmer's Glue All does not want to glue potpourri onto Fun Foam. I guess I should take a picture and post it here....maybe that can be another form of procrastination. If this turkey pic DOES materialize, please keep in mind that I must glue the eyes on at school. The wiggle eyes that I have here just aren't the right size. Just like everything else, I am anal about family projects. Poor Son has to get up and explain how he made it with his family. I can just hear it now, "My mom cut and glued and yelled for all of us to stay away from it." I can't have some junky lookin' stuff representing OUR family!
Did I mention that I have to teach until 2? I hope this stuff gets done! Yet, here I sit as if some fairy is going to do all this crap. Let me go photo the gooey turkey and think about getting in the shower so we can possibly get out the door with only a minimum of yelling.

Another Post?! Moments After the Rock-Bottom Bi-Polar Plunge?

Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis. ~ Jack Handey

Before I closed e-blogger, I checked my list of posts and found some that I had never completed and/or posted for one reason or another. I don't know why I never published the one I found in May 2007 entitled The Upside of May. Maybe b/c it was a few sentences short of being complete. Well, it's done now AND posted. Above all, it made me smile....just what I needed after the wrist-splitter (JUST JOKING....it's called sarcasm) I composed a little while ago. Proves that life at work without Luscious just won't be the same.

Insecurity

That's why actors can take on other lives, because I think basically, at the bottom of everything, they are insecure people. They don't feel themselves to be bright and beautiful, or necessarily beloved. So they're always looking for it. And as long as they are looking for it, they work at their best capacity. So in that way, their insecurity feeds their talent. ~ Anjelica Huston

I do not believe that actors own the market on insecurity. I possess no acting talent unless one considers the farce I live each and every day of my life. I think that it would shock some people (at least the ones that do not know me well) to know that I constantly question everything I do and basically think I never measure up. I worked myself up into such a frenzy yesterday that I literally ended up with a stomachache (is that ulcer finally materializing?). I had a standard first-quarter conference with Son's kindergarten teacher scheduled for 2:45. Even though he's had excellent papers and positive comments on every progress report, I was terrified that I was going to hear some horribly negative information that would reflect on my poor parenting skills. I had braced myself for Daughter to bring home a less than stellar 6th grade report card. She is very independent these days and I really don't see any work and middle school just doesn't communicate with parents the way elementary school does. A poor report card would not only affect how her new administrators and teachers viewed her, it would reflect on my inept parenting. Sad how in my mind all of these things revolve around me. Not only that, yesterday the teachers who turned in their National Board materials in March found out their results. Out of all the candidates from the island, only one earned it. I was so tense waiting for THEIR results. For someone like me who questions her every move, all I could think all day was, "What the hell am I doing?!" I constantly think about National Boards. I dream about it and I cannot block it out of my mind. It is Saturday morning and the sun hasn't even risen and I am persevering about it. My stomach is churning and I am on the verge of tears thinking about how horrendous it will be to open that site next year and find out that my insecurities have become reality. Is it normal to be so negative? Is it normal to always think that everything I do is never good enough even when I have written proof professing the opposite (grades, evaluations, compliments, etc.)? Case in point: I turned in my Entry 4 (Accomplishments and Contributions - or something to that effect) rough draft to our local facilitator at our last county Nat. Board (NB) meeting. She returned it this week with many positive comments. She was impressed with my accomplishments and said it was well-written. Could I even accept this? No. Even though this chick has gotten certified herself and has been selected to be the county facilitator (serving in this capacity for quite some time), I initiated a frantic questioning of other people as to whether or not they find her to be valid. I am STILL not confident that it is decent and not sure at all that the "accomplishments" I've listed are worthy. I have debated in my mind why I am reacting this way. Is it because I feel that what I do is just what everyone should be doing? Is this lapse of sanity how most people feel? On my MySpace I have this stupid survey and one of the questions asks what my biggest fear is. My answer? Fear of failing. I fear failure to an obsessive degree...to the point that I can't/don't take pride in the things that I should view as accomplishments. When I receive a pat on the back, I shrug it off because I don't think I deserve it. "Yeah, that was ok, but have you seen how bad I suck at keeping my house in order?" I can combat any compliment with a negative. IS THIS NORMAL?! Nothing I ever do is good enough for me. This sounds bizarre....and I fear that I will sound like a braggart with this next comment.....BUT if I were to list my "accomplishments", give it to someone, and then get it back with someone else's name on it (this sounds totally stupid - like I wouldn't recognize my own stuff), I would think that that person was successful. With my name on it, it looks as impressive as a grocery list. Being in this NB program is turning into another grad school. It just doesn't bring out the best in me....it triggers my neuroses. Usually they are a bit more dormant....ever-present, but not as pronounced. I just can't stop myself. I even told a friend the other day that I really felt that before I finished my teaching career I would pursue another certification (no, not degree). Luscious will retire before I do and I cannot even fathom working with someone else. We complement each other so well. I cherish our friendship and working relationship. She puts up with my freakish work habits and is right beside me carrying out our elaborate ideas (even on a Friday night @ 9 o'WHAT?!). OK...off topic. The certification I am thinking about would allow me to work with a smaller group of students and would require me to collaborate with all the teachers, but I wouldn't be at one particular grade level. Yes, this could solve the dilemma I will eventually face: teaching without Luscious, BUT it will put me right back into the formal education setting. HMMM. I think I've hit a wall. I can't think of anything else to write and the "voices" are reminding me of all I need to do today/this weekend. Blogging, at the moment, is now being shifted to the "what the hell are you doing wasting your valuable time like this when you have your NB, church bazaar, filthy house, and science presentation to prepare" list. I really wish I could be more carefree so I could climb back into bed, but even if I physically do it, it won't be enjoyable because of my nagging mind. Perhaps a more apropos quote would have been:

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

Halloween Howls

Well I was born in a small town
And I can breathe in a small town
Gonna die in this small town
And that's prob'ly where they'll bury me ~ John Cougar Mellencamp

OK...so it is November and I haven't posted since September. Sorry. I started this "blog thing" after grad school as a way to express myself through writing since I was so accustomed to writing and basically addicted to it. Now, I am attempting to earn National Board Certification and have a lot of writing that I HAVE to do....and it keeps me quite busy. SO....please forgive my lack of attention to my blog. My writing is due March 31. Then, I have to take a written test. THEN, and this will be an enormous test in patience for me, I have to wait and wait and freakin' wait some more for the results (which won't come out until DECEMBER 2008). Only 30% of the candidates earn it the first time so I have a feeling that this will have my nerves RAW until December 2009 (after I retake the parts that I suck on). ANYWAY....enough of the pity party for now.

THE GOOD STUFF: Halloween was so much fun this year!!! The past two years Ethel and I partake of some liquid refreshments as we make our way around the neighborhood with our children (and her hubby Fred.....Hubby stays here to hand out candy). We meet and greet a large number of neighbors. We always have something to complain about. Last year it was cold. This year the mosquitoes were ferocious!!!!!!!!!! I think I was Daughter's hero when I threw some frozen beverage at a nasty child who whipped her with a jump rope about a month ago (hmm....life is always interesting with children). It was all in fun....Ethel even joined in. As much as I love going to "the real world" to shop and see what kind of things I'm "missing" by living on a barrier island, I adore where I live. Some locals took a bunch of pictures of trick-or-treaters and posted a slide show on the Island Free Press (the online news magazine for our area). It makes my heart smile to look at the pictures of all these children having a blast on Halloween. I am even more fortunate to say that I actually KNOW almost all of these people. Small town life is glorious!

btw.....Daughter and Ethel's son are in the 2nd pic on the slide show....my little darling (the amputation doctor complete with severed limb and bloody cleaver) is chopping off his head; Ethel's twin girls are in the 3rd pic; Darth Vader (several pics later) is mine....he's so "big" now that he went trick-or-treating with a friend and his family. Where does time go?

Moonlight and Mosquitoes and Ghost Crabs - Oh My!

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. ~Unknown

Forever and a day ago I was selected as the school's Teacher of the Year (TOY, as we jokingly refer to it). It's one of those "honors" that is intended to recognize one's accomplishments, but leads to an abundance of "duties". There is this "packet" that must be completed prior to the fun-filled interview. This "packet" requires one to spend an extraordinary amount of time writing essays about her philosophy of education and how she puts it into practice. Sounds like good stuff, huh? One particular essay truly got me going. I cannot remember the prompt and I haven't read it in years (even though I recently dug out my packet for Lucky Luscious who received the honor of completing the packet this year - yay!!!!). However, I think the one essay is one of my favorite pieces of writing I have ever created. I'm not sure if it's that well written, but the emotions I felt and tried to convey in that essay were extremely powerful. Essentially, I tied my feelings towards education to an experience that I had on a "turtle watch" with my younger brother. (turtle watch: sea turtles lay their eggs on our beaches. the park service marks the nests and ropes them off from the rest of the beach. they calculate - to the best of their abilities - when the turtles will hatch and get volunteers to sit with the nests to assist the turtles to the ocean.) It is an amazing experience! I have spoken about turtle watching for years. Daughter has an affinity for all living creatures and hopes to be a veterinarian someday. She has eagerly awaited the day when she would be able to go on a turtle watch.....last night was the night. Honestly, after a long week at work, it was not at the top of the list of things to do on Friday night....a 45 minute drive each way, having to be on the damp beach from approx. 7 until 12am (of course the rain we need so desperately happened to fall yesterday and threatened throughout the evening), traipsing through the vegetation to get to the beach, BUGS.....get the picture?! Nonetheless, I was willing to sacrifice my own selfish desires for rest to go to the turtle watch with Daughter. Rather than coming home before the big event (b/c it's 15 minutes AWAY from our destination), we remained at school (it wasn't like I didn't have a TON of stuff to do there!!) and then went to dinner. I couldn't think about the last time that Daughter and I actually went to dinner together! We asked each other Trivial Pursuit questions that were on the table and giggled about dumb girl stuff. Due to my miscalculation of time, we had to rush to pick up my brother....not allowing enough time for a last pit stop (which I regretted later as I had to "visit the dunes") or drinks.....not that Daughter really wanted one once she heard that our nests were not even remotely close to the rest area at Pea Island Refuge. It was dusk as we parked the car on the side of the road and trekked through the underbrush to the wide, flat expanse of the beach. In the distance we saw our fellow turtle-watchers and briskly walked to meet them. The four of them had already set up the fencing around the nests leading to the ocean. It is intended to reduce the predators (mainly ghost crabs) and assist the turtles to their destination. There was just enough light left to make out the fencing and nests as it was still quite overcast. The oldest woman in the bunch let Daughter listen through a stethoscope that was buried into the sand. Every now and then we could make out "scratching" noises as the tiny turtles circled their flippers to dig themselves out of their sandy nest. With no visible evidence of turtles and the vicious attack of starving mosquitoes desiring our blood as nourishment, we walked away from the nests that were close to the dunes and set up "camp" about halfway between the dune line and the ocean. We sprayed ourselves with insect repellent (30% DEET) which just didn't seem to do the trick quickly enough. My brother had some device that warmed a scent that was intended to repel them.....that seemed to work for a bit. Gradually as we talked and caught up on the events in our lives, breathing in the fresh, salty air laced with the stench of Chip's cigars, (and talking to Hubby on the cell phone - no, I couldn't totally abandon modern life for an evening), the clouds cleared to reveal an array of stars. The beach was illuminated by the suns rays reflecting off the moon. Periodically we checked on the nests. We could still hear scratching (the one woman....the oldest one who I shall refer to as Black Lung b/c her smoker's cough made Daughter and I into giggle fits while devising new nicknames for her....the night would be silent until the hacking began....Brother even said that in the light of day she reminded him of Magda from There's Something About Mary.....was even timing the sound of activity as if she were timing labor contractions), but saw no evidence of turtles. Daughter and I continued to lie on the beach gazing at the beauty of the stars, giddy as we saw shooting stars and UFO's (ha ha) gliding through the air. Ghost crabs were scurrying all over the beach. Their speed is amazing and they seem to glide over the sand rather than scurry over all the indentations. During one lull in the conversation I felt something on my leg. I figured it was just another bug or my imagination. Alas not! It was at least one ghost crab (there may have been two since there were two together when the flashlight was directed at my legs). That sent Daughter into one of the chairs we had lugged with us. As the time drifted by, the night air grew damper and cooler. The wind shifted and brought yet another attack of the vicious bugs. At some point Brother went and hung out with the other group of people. Our exhaustion began to take over and Daughter returned to the blanket on the ground. We snuggled together (a treat as any parent of a tween knows) and tried to listen, but couldn't make out most of the conversation.....with the exception of the phlegmy coughs leading to more nicknames. We didn't need to worry about her approaching unexpectedly since more often than not the glow of her cigarette allowed us to track her. I guess we stink at turtle watching because we both drifted off for a short bit of time. Thank goodness for the others because we would have been goners between the blood-thirsty bugs and the ghost crabs. ;0) I know I wasn't asleep long, but it was actually restful and delightful to nap under the stars on the serene beach. When I awoke, I heard Black Lung speculating that the turtles would emerge around 3 am. 3am?! I desperately hoped that she was not going to be a die-hard turtle watcher, determined to stay despite the fact that we could leave at midnight. As badly as I wanted Daughter to experience the nest "boil", I wasn't sure if we were prepared to stay until 3. Black Lung and the rest of the entourage decided to call it a night! YAY! We rolled up the fencing. When I went to put the roll where it belonged, there was Black Lung taking one last listen and pounding the sand. I think she was trying to make the turtles pop through the sand. My thought: WHY? We just disassembled the fences!!! Everyone gathered their belongings and hiked back to the road. It was a peaceful, enjoyable night. Although it was late and I was exhausted and had a long drive, I couldn't help but think about that essay I had written years ago about my brother and me on the turtle watch. My heart smiled thinking about how Daughter was now a part of it as well. No turtles? No problem. The whole evening was one I will cherish for years to come and that's what is most important to me.....except there is another opportunity to go next Friday night...............

Surreal

O Lord, with your eyes you have searched me, kindly smiling, have spoken my name.
Now my boat's left on the shoreline behind me; by your side I will seek other seas.
~ Cesareo Gabarain

I sat listening on the bench facing the front as were all the others. The building was familiar in that I felt that I had been there before (when actually I have never seen or been to this place before). I glanced to the right. In the middle of the seating area were 5 headbands adorned with flowers and ribbons paying homage to the memory of 5 girls who sat there many years ago as children. I was frustrated because I couldn't figure out who the 5 were. I only could think of 3. I turned to my left and there he was. Clear as a bell. I reached over to comfort him and when I touched his arm, the phone blared and woke me up, immediately transporting me from a dream into reality.....only to find out that the person I had just touched in my dream was at peace.....Gene had just died. I know he visited me on his way Home. My overly analytical mind has come up with a few reasons WHY, but despite the reason, I feel blessed. As devastating as this is, it is just one more confirmation of faith. The peace that has enveloped us as we have prayed together as a family proves the power of God's love. My mind is racing right now and is filled with a zillion thoughts comparing this situation to the situation I experienced when my mom died. I don't think I can express my thoughts properly in writing, so I will keep them to myself for now.....ready to share at a later date. For now, just pray. Pray for RA. Pray that I can follow through on my word. Pray that we, as a family, can weather yet another "storm".

Rambling

Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness, of captivity, would, without this comfort, be unsupportable. ~ Samuel Johnson

First, I am appalled that I have not written since July. I have entries I have begun, but not completed. I am SLACKING! Or....maybe I'm just relaxing a bit more and have nothing to rant about. Despite the cause, I am horrified.

Now, what has prompted me to commence writing. I don't even feel like I can go into full detail...I'm a bit drained at the moment. I have actually had to begin transforming from Summer Sloth to Workaholic Witch....school responsibilities in Nags Head (120 miles round trip) three times this week (2 down, 1 more to go). Upon returning today, I found out that a girl that I went to high school with had been in a diabetic coma since Monday. She is a year older than me and has a daughter who, I think, is starting high school this year. Hubby grew up with her. She still isn't out of the woods as far as her health issues so please keep her in your prayers. After finding out that news, I found out that our 23 yr. old cousin may have MS. She has a 4 yr. old daughter. Some more tests are going to be done so please keep her in your prayers as well.

Completely random comment here: I just got contacts. I have my week-check-up tomorrow. I plan to discuss this with the dr., but I also thought I'd get some info from all you contact wearers who read my drivel. After wearing the lenses for a bit, is it normal for you to feel like there's an eyelash or something in your eye? Are my eyes not moist enough? Any advice?

Shitty Day

Ron Burgundy: You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad, that's amazing!

Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.

Brick Tamland: I pooped a Cornish game hen.

~ Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy

Today, rather than inspecting cottages, I cleaned 5 of them. I'm not even going to attempt to explain. Three of them were decent. One was incredibly wonderful! :0) One was a horror show. All tenants are supposed to be out by 10. I got to the hovel after 11 to find two of the tenants (cough - assholes - cough) still there. By the looks of the place (along with the female's complaints of "feeling like shit") I had walked into the remains of party central. The place was a wreck!! Double sinks filled with dirty dishes. A full refrigerator. Trash throughout the house. Sheets not removed from the bed. No trash taken out. Yuck, yuck, and more YUCK! Rather than be nice and leave, I began to clean. I had NO time for this bullshit. Part of the job requires the cleaner to look under the bed. I always HATE this part of the job because I never know what might be lurking.....I've heard of all sorts of nastiness existing under the beds and seen some pretty icky things too. Luckily I've never had the horror of finding used contraception as some people have. Well, when I looked under the first bed at this place, I found shit!!!! Turds, fecal matter, crap, poop.....whatever you want to call it!!!!! I don't know the source of the excrement....it could have been from a dog or (gag) a person, but frankly I don't care. Crap is crap!!!! What is wrong with people?!

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

"I have found there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them." ~ Mark Twain

"If you come home as happy as you leave, you have had a good vacation." ~ unknown

One quote just wouldn't do it. Last night I returned from a business/pleasure trip from Washington, DC. I left last Friday, June 29 with Luscious, Vera, and Big Cheese (the principal), and MJ (another teacher). It was a good trip there. I am used to going places with Luscious and Vera, but have never traveled much with Big Cheese or at all with MJ. Overall, the experience was far better than I had envisioned. Enough said. The horror, though, began trying to navigate through DC. Coming from our neck of the woods and having to adjust to the busy city streets that run in all sorts of differing directions, run one way, have DO NOT ENTER signs designated by times of day.....whew! Once we hit the area, it should have taken us a SHORT amount of time to get to our hotel......unfortunately we ran circles around that place. MJ was calling family members familiar with the city to give us directions and yelling out the window for help. Vera was excited when she saw a street vendor selling a Chanel bag that she wanted. Big Cheese, MJ, and Luscious had to check in. The 7pm registration deadline for that day was approaching so I went in, leaving Vera at the car, to go get all of our "stuff"....you know, all the bags, books, and pens you get at a conference. They would only let me get my "stuff" so I ran out to get the others. None of them were back so I had Vera pretend to be Luscious and get that packet. MJ showed up so she got hers. Big Cheese was a bit miffed that we hadn't gotten his, but we couldn't pretend to be him. By the time we got there and got settled, we were in need of teas from Long Island. The highlight of the evening was the bug suspended in Luscious's drink. Of all the people in the world to end up with a bug in her drink it HAD to be Luscious! Also arriving that night were Ethel and her three and Daughter. They were staying at another hotel that was only a short distance away.....in theory. We didn't get together with them that first night since it was pretty late in the evening and none of us were in the mood to leave our destinations......Ethel even had the luxury of using a friend's GPS (renamed RAC by the children after it annoyed them with its Kathryn Hepburn-like voice.....btw, RAC stands for Recalculating Alcoholic Chatterbox - the "alcoholic" part is a bit of a joke with our children who think that we are alcoholics b/c we occasionally partake of the drink) but still got turned around since DC has "right turns", "slight right turns", "sharp right turns" - EESSHHH! Day one was basically for travel, frustration, laughter, and bed.

On the 30th the business part of our trip had us in class all day from 9-4. I woke up kind of early and went for a walk to Starbucks. I am not a big coffee fiend, but I do enjoy a flavor-filled, creamy coffee every now and then. I was proud of myself for getting there so well. I also changed the session I had been assigned. I wanted to go to the session that seemed to be the basis for the whole theory Dr. Daggett proposes to prepare our students for their lives in the world of the future. The woman wasn't too willing to do it because she had been "fussed at" for doing so the night before. I told her that I had been told that I could change sessions if I was there at 7 AM....I just didn't tell her that it was MJ who told me I could. ;0) It was long, but certainly educational. I don't even want to get into the details because it would be filled with educational jargon that would bore non-educators....or scare them about the state of education in our country. At lunch we walked to a place called Duccini's for lunch. The food was good, but it was not designed for sitting down. There were three or four stools at a counter inside and two small tables outside. We went back to the room in two shifts to accommodate the "eaters" and the "pottiers" (no bathroom at Duccini's). We had just enough time to chat and get back to our session. For some freakish reason we were put in a room on a hall with a Quiet Zone. No noise ever, basically. Ethel was spoken to while escorting the brood of children back out. Apparently pilots are housed in this area. Luckily we never heard of any plane crashes while we were on that hall since we would have been the source of the tragedy. We met back up Ethel and the brood at their room after our session. What a pain in the butt it was to get there! Slight right here, turn around 5 times in a circle and hop on one foot to get there. The city is confusing! It reminded me of the staircases at Hogwarts! FINALLY, we found the hotel and headed off toward the Metro station at Foggy Bottom to sightsee at the Mall. On this trek we saw the exterior of many of the Smithsonian museums, the Capitol, the Washington Monument, and a festival. Hunger and exhaustion took over and we headed back to Ethel's room where we ordered pizza for the kids and Chinese food for the rest of us. We also began a night of drinking. During our Ocracoke trip, Ethel was deemed "Drunk" and I was renamed "Drunker" (by the children nontheless). The names basically stuck for this evening, but Luscious was honored by the children at "Drunkest". Have I even mentioned that Luscious had taught A&D this past year? Well...I hate to leave on this note BUT I will continue later. :0)

And Miles to Go Before I Sleep

It is our best work that God wants, not the dregs of our exhaustion. I think he must prefer quality to quantity. ~ George MacDonald

I was asked at a church function on Sunday if I was enjoying my summer break. Flippantly I replied, "Not yet." Why? It is June 26 and I have yet to even begin the vegging out that summer has offered in the past. By now my house is usually in it's "summer state": cleaner than most of the rest of the year and I have been to the beach numerous times. This year: deplorable household conditions and merely 2 trips to the beach. I have brought this on myself, I know. I have managed to completely exhaust myself. Between my Saturday job, VBS, 3 trips to Virginia in 3 weeks (ok.....I did NOT have to shop as late as I did, but a girl's gotta shop!), and the upcoming trip to DC (that I am stressing about already because of the amount of preparation that needs to go into it), I am pooped!!! I hereby declare that July 6, 2007 will be MY official first day of summer break and I commit myself to at least veg out on THAT day. Back to the grind.....how much caffeine will THIS day require to deliver quality? I need to pencil in a nap on today's agenda....now maybe I can combine this with a trip to the beach.....hmm.

A Main Course of Laughter and a Heaping Side of Gossip

Dining out is a vice, a dissipation of spirit punished by remorse. We eat, drink, and talk a little too much, abuse all our friends, belch out our literary preferences and are egged on by accomplices in the audience to acts of mental exhibitionism. Such evenings cannot fail to diminish those who take part in them. ~ Cyril Connolly

I have NO remorse for the evening I spent with my accomplices Ethel and Jazzy in honor of Jazzy's birthday next week. The food was delicious. The gossip was juicy. The sights out the window were humorous and could only have been surpassed if someone had fallen into the creek. Ol' Cyril must have been a big loser with no friends if he truly possessed this attitude toward dining out......let him look down his nose at us for enjoying our evening of vice. I have not been "diminished" by my excursion into the world of dining out with girlfriends. On the contrary, I have been enhanced. Thanks, ladies!

The Shadow of Death

When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries.
~ Tibetan Buddhist saying

Aging...people react quite differently to this process. Some embrace it. Others abhor it. Some see it as an adventure and ride it like a roller coaster. Personally, I have found comfort in it. I revel in the fact that I am married, have a stable career, a loving family, a home, etc. I feel "established" and "rooted". I am thankful that I am not in the single-scene. I am thankful that I am not suffering from ailments that arise from aging (okay...I'm not that old....give me a break here). I am blissfully content with where I am. Sure, there are things that I want: more money, a tidier home, less stress....typically what most people I know want to some degree. BUT, in the grand scheme of life I am completely satisfied. Having said that, the one thing I despise about aging is the fact that others are aging as well. Today Hubby and I attended a funeral of our friend's mother. This friend, MRV, also lost his dad 13 months ago. The frequency that we encounter death is increasing more and more. I know it will continue to increase as we age. I have faith that our loved ones are in a far better place, but it doesn't make the mourning completely easy. So, to sum it up.....that's what sucks about aging.

Happy Day

"I do like green eggs and ham!" ~ Green Eggs and Ham

Today is the first birthday since 1999 that I have genuinely enjoyed! I did avoid the things I hate the most: the group singing in the cafeteria; anything that put the spotlight on me....you get the idea. But I received several sincere "happy birthday's" and had a wonderful evening with Hubby & the kids (minus the part where Son fell off his seat landing under the table on the floor crying) and Dad and More-Than-a-Stepmom. We went to a tee-ball game, too. Hubby's family came to that. I don't know if it had to do with the talk I had with R the other day or if it was just time, but this birthday has actually made me smile...a joyful smile....one of those smiles that emanates from your heart. I love my family. I love my friends (and I talked to several today). I am truly blessed. Now, I'm off to read my MySpace and go vote for Jordin to win American Idol....did she kick ass or what?!

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

From the show Will & Grace:

Will: You— you did a movie with Val Kilmer?

Kevin Bacon: No, but Val was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise, and Tom was in A Few Good Men with me. Huh, that was a short one.

After today's escapades I am a Bacon 3.....well, if you count seeing a celebrity that was close to him. Richard Gere is filming a movie (Nights in Rodanthe) on the island (no....I'm not as close as Luscious & Vera who were extra's - Vera having brushed arms with him) and a bunch of us ended up haning out at the ferry docks in 50 degree temps waiting for a glimpse. I am FROZEN! But I got a glimpse! I tried to take a few photos, but they were rather dark and people kept getting in my way. I did get one of his head in his car on the ferry. I also had my picture taken with his driver. As for the Kevin Bacon thing....I was near Richard who was in Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts who was in Flatliners with Kevin Bacon. Woo hoo! I was still pretty close to Kevin prior to this movie: a guy I went to high school with was college friends with Skeet Ulrich (most recently in the show Jericho) who was in Scream with Neve Campbell who was in Wild Things with KEVIN BACON!

WTF is a Meme?

A meme survives in the world because people pass it on to other people, either vertically to the next generation, or horizontally to our fellows. ~ H. Keith Henson

A challenge from Hippie's Chick....a meme instructing me to name 8 interesting things about myself. The two I've read already have been quite informative. I've known Carolina for about 20 years and never knew she was afraid of turtles. Like Hippie's Chick (who's known her for even longer), I had no idea she felt this way about turtles (nor did I realize there was anyone in the world that was creeped out by turtles).....oh, the things I could've done with that info. :0)

Now that I've procrastinated.....interesting things, interesting things....I don't think I have any "shockers"....

* I just had the most wicked deja vu as I began to type this one! I looked at the bottle of Arizona Sweet Tea bottle and it started.....weird (maybe not interesting OR about me, but it's my #1).
* Unfortunately for my children, as well as most of the children I have taught, wiggly teeth - anything dealing with teeth (except for brushing of course) for that fact-makes my stomach quiver and brings me close to vomiting. I cannot stand to see wiggly teeth or hear about oral, teeth-related issues. On to #3 before I nauseate myself.
* I am an extremely shy, quiet person until I feel comfortable in my setting. I have to "feel people out" before I can be myself or have quite a bit to drink. I have actually shocked quite a few people after I have gotten to really know them. I remember Yo,L! commenting about it once I really got to know her and "let loose"....and she wasn't the first one. Once I know you, look out....I never shut up. I think I babble even more than I write.
* I give the appearance of being really organized and anal about everything when I really am not. I am completely together about some things, but otherwise I am a mess. I desperately strive to be neat and tidy and on top of all chaos in my life, but I fail miserably....have you seen my house or my car? Probably not because I am so horrified by the level of clutter that exists in those areas. Now don't get me wrong, it's not as bad as those hovels I see on those shows where teams of people have to go in and use a front-end loader to remove the mounds of clutter and trash....but it's far worse than what I like. I am just too busy and exhausted most of the time to do anything about it. Plus, I don't ever think anything is ever entirely clean. That's a whole other issue....Tied in with this, I am a cleaning whirlwind when I am completely and utterly pissed off. Scrubbing and scouring and throwing out junk in a fit of rage helps "bring me down". So, if you ever find me in the midst of a complete "clean sweep" assume one of the following things: 1. I am ENRAGED. 2. It's summer break and I have time and energy to devote to the care I want to give to my home, car, etc. 3. I am having company.
* I am terrified of two things. Not living up to the expectations I have for myself worries me more often than not. This is not just work-related. It permeates every aspect of my life. And no, I do not have an ulcer....yet. Secondly, I fret about dying when my children are young. Selfishly I want to see them grow into adults. Mostly, though, I don't want them to grow up missing me as much as I miss my mom.
* Despite the fact that I have been blessed with many talents, I wish I was artistic. I look in awe at the photographs that Hippie's Chick and Ethel take and know that I do not in ANY way have that eye for art that truly artistic people have. If I take a picture of a flower or a leaf, it looks like a flower or a leaf. These two gals take a picture of something and it is so deeply moving, it's incredible. I don't dance or sing or create anything original. I have nothing to possibly contribute to Ethel's gallery, but at least I have friends there......hee hee....which brings me to the next tidbit of info about me.....
* Contrary to all the other comments I have made that make me sound like someone with OCD, I DO love to have fun! I have to do SOMETHING to make me laugh each day. Usually my laughter is brought on by looking at the world in some cynical and sarcastic way and making hideous, hysterical comments on my observations. Many people don't care for that type of humor, but I adore it and surround myself with people who have a knack for that type of wit as well. Too bad Carolina has no capacity for comprehending such humor (see.....here is a prime example! This is a private joke that is oozing with sarcasm!!!). Along those lines...I love to play pranks (there is one I am still composing that I will post soon).
* Last one...whew...almost done! I am sappy. I don't tend to cry publicly, but I am easily moved to tears by songs, actions, books, events that are sentimental. I cry at church whenever anybody is baptised. Joy's two daughters were baptised two weeks ago and I bawled through the whole thing! She didn't cry. None of her family seemed to cry. Me? Cried. Certain songs make me cry. In My Daughter's Eyes by Martina McBride is a tear-jerker EVERY time. I had to wipe tears away on Wednesday at Son's last preschool picnic. Other parents crying? No. Just me. I will cry on his first day of school (I am welling up as I write) just as I did on Daughter's first day. I will cry at her 5th grade promotion. I will cry at Girlfriend's 8th grade promotion. I don't WANT to do these things....they just happen. I couldn't even speak at Carolina's rehearsal dinner because I knew I'd cry and I didn't want to be henceforth known as "that chick who blubbered through the dinner speeches". Thank goodness Ethel was able to get up and do it! I even cry on the last day of school. I usually write a poem to my class and I can't ever read it. They think it's funny because they know how I am after tearing up while reading Charlotte's Web, Bridge to Terabithia, and Meet Addy.
* Yes, this is 9, but did that first one really count? I think feet are gross. Baby feet = wonderful. Other feet = yuck. I have always detested my feet. It's only been in the past few years that I finally started wearing flip flops often. I guess with all of the rest of the things in life to worry about, the concern over the appearance of my feet in flip flops seemed to wan just a bit. I don't want feet on me. I don't want my feet touched. Yes, I go for pedicures occasionally, but I don't really ever relax because I know they are thinking or talking about how gross my feet are. I do it because I like how my feet feel after the pedicure. When I had my first pedicure, I broke out in a major sweat! I also do not let anyone local do my pedicures. I go out of town to people whom I don't know. Yes, I am a weirdo. I don't even try to deny it.

So, there is my meme. Perhaps not what it was intended to be. Definitely not something as revealing as turtle-trauma....yes, I'm still perseverating on that one! Now, how many people do I have to "tag"? Let's see....Ethel, Luscious, Jazzy, my sisters-in-law who read this, Hubby, and anyone I've left out. If you don't have a blog you can either write in the comment box or email it to me to preserve your privacy.

The Upside of May

Do you think I'd be working in a place like this if I could afford a real snake?

~ Zhora (Blade Runner)

I cannot even believe that I am getting ready to write this next phrase....I had an absolute blast at work this week! I have laughed SO much over the most wicked things...which makes it even better! I don't even know how to begin! Rather than even attempt to do this chronologically, it's probably best in my fragmented mind to bullet each antic in a new paragraph.

One highlight of the week is truly getting to realize that the new Assistant Principal is quite fun and can appreciate some off-color humor. Luscious and I were brave enough to share some of the crudeness of our week with her. Two lovelies in Luscious' class decided to use the new pointer (which is essentially a white-gloved pointing hand mounted on a green stick) to touch other children's "privates". This warranted a trip to the AP. After school we went to the office with the pointer. I can't even remember which one of us told her that we'd been touched with the pointer. AP told us a pointer like that just screamed out to be used for what the kids had done with it. It was funny when we told her that it had been purchased at the school book fair.

This week was Teacher Appreciation Week. Our PTA does all sorts of wonderful things for us. Yesterday we had a short staff meeting. The PTA had solicited quite a large quantity of prizes to be given out in a "raffle-like" style. I didn't win (which didn't exactly bother me at the time b/c I was too busy laughing at Luscious about the shoes.....don't worry - I'll get to that one next). However, it was delightful when Harry won a half-bushel of crabs. I cannot even begin to tell you how many jokes have been made about Harry getting crabs...yes, extremely juvenile BUT a hell of a lot of fun. Well, this morning there were more prizes: 11 people each won a $50 bill.....and Harry re-raffled his crabs. These prizes were given away on the daily school morning show viewed by all students and staff. Fortunately I did not win the crabs....my assistant did. The kids were cheering euphorically because Dookie got crabs. I was laughing OUT LOUD! My mind was in the GUTTER. It's Saturday for goodness sake!!! Dookie got crabs from Harry. Luscious came over from her room to share in the jubilation. Then Harry showed up to officially give her the crabs (well, a certificate for them). I am rather positive that Harry and Dookie wish the crabs had never been a prize. I am going to write a personal note to the PTA thanking them for the crabs. At the end of the day one of my students came up to me and said, "I am so happy Miss Dookie won the crabs." Laughing hysterically on the inside I replied, "I am glad she got crabs, too." I really think I need to limit my trips to the Dancing Turtle for espresso laced mochas to days when I DON'T have school.

THE SHOES.....(this is a long one, I warn you)

Early in the week I was teaching.....wrapped up entirely in my lesson, writing on the board with my back to the children (we have these cool microphones we wear so we can be heard even when we have our backs to the kids). I turned around to find the AP in my room for an ambush observation. Toward the beginning of the year Luscious and I chattered numerous times about how the very thought of her observing us unnerved us beyond belief. She was new. Totally unfamiliar and always carried herself in the most professional manner. As the year (and esp this week) has worn on, we have gotten to know AP and admire her. She is professional and handles all concerns with the utmost respect for us and the students. Anyway, I had a moment of panic when I turned around and THERE SHE WAS with the clipboard (at least it wasn't the laptop which she has been known to use). Then, I just went with it. Later I joked with her, telling her how she scared me sneaking into the room and making herself at home in such a stealth way. I was also a bit surprised because I didn't realize this was the year that I'd have more than one observation. Nonchalantly she remarked that it was actually my year to get a summative (major evaluation) because it' the year that I renew my license. WHAT?! From a previous meeting I knew that summatives had to be done by next week. That meant one thing: another observation this week....from Harry. No big deal....he's had to observe me several times in my career and there are never any problems (I already have the results and it was great!). AP told me she wished that she was doing that observation b/c it would have been great (did I feel good or what?! - how long would this feeling last?). This is going to seem like it is switching gears BIG TIME, but I promise it is quite relevent. I have been working with Luscious and Harry for 13 years. When you work with people that long and you have similar tastes in humor, it's very easy to develop a rapport that to some would be rather risque. In fact, we could all easily be in trouble for sexually harassing each other. It's nothing personal....it's just a form of humor. It is never taken seriously. I told our school counselor (who also shares a sense of humor as dark and deprave as mine) about how when we knew we were getting observed we used to wear certain things that we knew Harry liked. As we were having this conversation, Harry strolled by. She called him over and bluntly asked him what he wanted me to wear for the observation. Yes....vulgar inuendos were made....but he did provide a preferred color scheme (black and white - NO ORANGE) and requested pumps. Being the whore for perfection that I am when it comes to grades and evaluations, I planned an outfit based on the preferred color scheme and selected sassy heels (the ones I bought while in Atl. for Carolina's wedding). To poke fun at this whole ridiculous charade, I wore my wedge flip flops until he arrived for the observation and then changed shoes. Sick, huh? When he was done, but before he left the pod, I changed back into the flip flops. He went right over to Luscious' room and told her she needed shoes like mine. Despite the fact that the sassy shoes did not match her color scheme for the day, Luscious decided to wear them to the front office at lunch as a joke. She strutted around in them making jokes about needing lunch off so she could eat with Richard (I haven't even gotten to telling about how she was an extra in a movie that is being filmed here: Nights in Rodanthe with Richard Gere and Diane Lane!). She ended up putting them in my box in the workroom. I took the shoes and hid them under the desk in the front office and then led her to believe that another teacher (who had admired them and wanted them - thinking they were being given away). During the staff meeting she asked about the shoes.....if I had them back. With my best fake-look-of-horror, I looked at her and said, "No, I thought you took them out of my box and back to your room." This prompted her to leave the staff meeting to look for the shoes. I had her believing that the other teacher had stolen my shoes. Although it would have been funny, I DID stop her before she confronted the "suspect". I love practical jokes!

Book Club Update

We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here, and we want them now! ~ Whitenail

Book Club Status: the books have not arrived. No reading has taken place. We have had three official meetings. Sounds pretty good, huh? Tonight we enjoyed the fine literary genre entitled: restaurant menu. We met at Capt. Jacks for food, fun, and WINE!!!!!! I rarely drink wine, but it was quite enjoyable. Except for Ethel, it was a crowd of chicks that fell into two categories: those I have not met (in fact, there was one chick who I am still not sure who she is/was) and those I have met, but not really spent any time with. I had a FABULOUS time. I still need to pack Son for his trip to the Monster Truck Jam and the (as he told his grandfather today) drug races. I assure you that he is not dealing drugs.....he is merely going to the DRAG races. I guess it could have been worse...he could have said he was going to be drug RUNNING. Better get off this addictive waste of time and get someone's clothes together and get to bed. I am getting observed tomorrow....can't be draggin' for that!!! It's kinda hard to bring this day to an end, though. Fun with the girls was a definite highlight as was hangin' out with my sisters-in-law to plan a big shindig. The absolute pinnacle of the day (now, I wasn't being sarcastic until I got to this point!!!) sexual harassment that was intended to be a compliment....I think. It came from a guy I went to high school with. He now is a substitute teacher @ our school. He used to teach @ the secondary school until he was asked to leave b/c of an addiction problem. Luscious said I needed to report him to the administration after I told her what he said. I'm hoping it was just because he knows me from wilder days. At least my room was stench-free today. I don't like it when my classroom smells like a rotten fish market. I'm just wondering....does every workplace seem to be a den of deranged people? When I actually think about all the weird stuff that goes on at work....the stories I hear, the things people do, the crap I endure, etc. (and yes, I do contribute to the delinquency to a degree - BUT there are actually freakier people than me who work at my school)....I wonder if it's commonplace or beyond bizarre. Talk amongst yourselves and get back to me. :0)

Happy Bunny

let's keep notes on who pisses us off. ~ Happy Bunny

This stuff CRACKS ME UP! That cute little bunny saying such wicked things. Ah.



Happy Bunny

The Roller Coaster

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you ~ 10,000 Maniacs

May. Here it is again. For me, it's the most bittersweet time of the year. As a child it was the absolute best....next to December, of course. May brought my birthday....a wonderful party lovingly planned out in intricate detail by my mom. There was the Winnie the Pooh party. My entire class was invited and each one had handmade burlap and felt Pooh ears. There were the countless sleepovers. The bashes at the roller rink. When I became a teacher, Mom would bring doughnuts and milk to class. Each celebration has been etched into my mind and heart. Not only did May bring my birthday, it brought my brother's as well. After getting past the initial confusion and anger of my younger brother's birthday being before mine (hey, I was only 5!), this was an addition highlight of May: another super party! To this day I marvel at how Mom accomplished this since our birthdays are only two days apart! I freak out and Daughter and Son's birthdays are two months apart!! As we got older, I looked forward to Hunter's (I may have given him another nickname earlier...can't remember now) birthday because it was a day that I could celebrate how thankful I am for him. He is one of the best gifts I have ever received....I guess that's why he was born near my birthday. What else is so special about May? It's my anniversary!! I get to revel in the fact that I am married to my soul mate. I knew from the moment we met (the summer before I entered 8th grade!) that there was something special there. Except for the occasional spat (you know, those times when you each speak a line or two in an irritable voice, fall silent for a bit, and then move on), we do not argue or fight. We laugh. We joke. We can comfortably enjoy silence between us. I could not exist in the regular world if I didn't know I had someone I love meeting me at home. Home is my haven from the rest of the world. Hurray for my anniversary!!!! My grandmother's birthday was also in May....the day after mine! It was so special to have so many birthday's at once!! One of my nephew's has a birthday in May, too! Ethel got married in May (the day before my birthday)....and I always smile when I think of her wedding day....freezing cold, "cleaning up" the champagne table with Carolina, the after-wedding party at my house (sorry, I have to remind Carolina of some of these blurred memories: "Doin' It All For Wheena", "The doctor's at your house?", the red drink on the carpet, that damn race on the TV, you staying an extra day to flop out). Mother's Day. Celebrating with my mom. Handmade mementos given to me by my babies.....May. May changed for me in the ring of the phone around 5pm on May 15, 2000 (the day after Mother's Day) when my dad called to say that my mom was "gone". The moments that it took for those words to sink in seemed endless. Daughter was 4 and totally freaked out as I immediately began to sob....deep sobs that erupted from the innermost part of my soul. I don't think she remembers. I look back now and feel so bad....she had to have been completely frightened and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. I was in such desperate need of my own mother whom I would never have hold me again....I was so empty that I couldn't do anything but wallow in my own misery. It grew worse as time elapsed. A week later I turned 30. Although my friends and family "went all out", it just was not the same. Yes, I have some excellent memories of the evening (Karaoke King, Carolina going swimming, the limo ride, dinner), but even when I reminisce about that night, there is an ever present chill at the core of it. Now, seven years later, I approach May with a morbid curiosity: "How will I react this year?" Some years it bothers me on Mother's Day. Some years it's on the day. Some years it's my birthday (which I absolutely despise now - I only go through the routine of the celebration because my children just don't understand and I hope they never do; I don't want to go to school because I still feel the emptiness of no doughnuts and milk despite the fact that I DO NOT WANT THEM unless the impossible were to happen & Mom could bring them; I don't want the kids or anyone else to acknowledge my birthday either, but, like my own children, they do not understand). Some years it's intermittently throughout the month. Sometimes I get grouchy. Other times I cry. On the best days I smile and giggle thinking about the memories. Today I woke up with a need to write about it. I didn't have time to actually write this morning. I "worked on it" mentally in the shower, intending to get it written down during my planning period.....when it was fresh and my emotions were raw. I never quite got there....which I am convinced is a good thing (as writing this has taken me through a tour of varied emotions) despite the fact that this "late" version is nothing compared to what I had conjured up this morning. I immersed myself in a project that wasn't due until Friday. The project is complete and in the hands of the Asst. Principal. Early. I don't even know if Luscious realizes how many times during the past 7 years she has helped me through the rough days at school that tend to plague May. I needed to focus on that project today to keep me busy. Our classes are working on a project together in the same room. She volunteered to work with all the kids so I could finish the project. The whole time she was apologizing because it was a grade-level project I was doing (in her words) "all the work". Keeping my mind on that project this morning and getting it complete today preserved my sanity. So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how May 2007 pans out. Will it be another emotional roller coaster of elation and depression or will it meander along like any other month?

Clubbin'

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henny Youngman

Well, I haven't given up either! Instead I have combined the two! The book club gathered for the first time on Thursday night to select the first book. After a 3 1/2 hour discussion, we settled on Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. OK. Return your jaws to their normal positions. Do you really think we debated our book selection that long? No way! We caught up on all "the latest" and discussed our three choices intermittently while enjoying snacks and drinks. I absolutely LOVED our evening! :0)

Slide.Com

I tried taking pictures, but they were so mediocre. I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses... taking pictures of your feet. ~ Charlotte (Lost in Translation)

Check out my slide show! YAY!
PS....I hate feet (esp. mine) so there shall be no feet photography!

Shame

It's always darkest before the dawn. ~ proverb

The drama of last evening has diminished significantly. Yes, me stressing again. Hubby and I mulled it over and figure we can find the funds to send Daughter to the conference if she really is dedicated to going. The opportunity is incredible! She would be visiting D.C., Philadelphia, Harper's Ferry, and spending one night at the Maryland Science Center. I'm sure I'll be commenting again!

On a similar, yet a bit different note, I watched American Idol - Idol Gives Back last night. Fretting over my finances seemed so trivial as I gazed at the screen with Daughter and seeing the plight that faces so many others in this world. I am ashamed of my selfishness. The mere fact that we have clothes, shelter, food, and good health makes us far more fortunate than many others. Something I need to keep in mind when I am dissatisfied with life as I experience it.

I Suck

I'm kicking my own ass! ~ Jim Carrey (Liar Liar)

I knew it! All the spending would come back to haunt me. We tend to be slack about getting our mail from the post office. I don't even have a key to the box....it's attached to some set of keys I handed off to someone and have no idea where they ended up (remember, I live in a safe area...I often leave my house for the day w/out locking the doors). Today Hubby brought home a letter addressed to the Parents of Daughter. It was a notification that she had been nominated to attend the Junior National Young Leaders Conference in Washington, D.C. Smiles and pride until I see the cost: $1770. I am sick. After rationalizing and accepting the new big ticket items we purchased with our tax refund, this comes. Giving up one of those items would have made this seem possible. There are all sorts of Fund Raising ideas, but the application is accepted on a first come, first served basis and is due on May 16 with full payment. I want to send Daughter. I don't know HOW to do it. I guess I was right to question our purchases. Excuse me while I go either puke, cry, or both.

Roses Are Red

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today. ~ Dale Carnegie

I am using this quote in the most literal sense. I generally have the blackest thumb when it comes to gardening and tending to plants. Somehow I have mangaged to maintain roses in my front yard. One of my favorite times of year is when they awake from their winter retreat and shyly begin to bloom. I have patiently waited....watching the leaves sprout, seeing small buds appear, and then finally my reward: my first bloom!!! My patience is still being challenged because now I am looking at all the buds that are ready to explode!!!! My first bloom has greeted me each day as I head off to work and, even yesterday when I was heading to school on Saturday (grrr), each day it has put a smile on my face and in my heart. Thank you little blossom for cheering me. Thank you God for giving me pleasure from this tiny blossom and for teaching me another lesson in patience. I am, at least for a short while, enjoying the roses blooming outside my window today. :0)

All Caffeined Up.....

Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious. And hell yeah I'm the mother f***in' princess. ~ Avril Lavigne

OK. It's Friday night. I had Mountain Dew this evening. Mistake. It wouldn't be a problem if I DIDN'T have to go to school tomorrow to make up for Monday. It's now 10:40. I am revved up and can't be still. I am listening to all sorts of music on Lime Wire. One of my new favorites is Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne. It's upbeat and obnoxious....kinda like I feel right now....but definitely not anything I relate to (as far as the lyrics go). I don't hate anyone's girlfriend nor do I want to be someone's girlfriend...just a fun song, especially when frazzled from caffeine. I think part of the euphoric feeling is due to the Girl Scout meeting. Those chicks keep me entertained. They giggle and act goofy and I can't help but join in the fun and get giddy myself. THEN Daughter totally embarrassed me in the grocery store...in a goofy, girly way. I presently am teaching the child of a guy I went to high school with. He was one of the "popular" people....not someone I typically hung around since I never quite seemed to earn enough cool points. I was more like David Spade in Tommy Boy: kept in the nerdery. Anyway, Daughter and I ran into him in the grocery store and exchanged hello's. Daughter asked who he was and I explained that he was Ginger's dad (nickname is a private joke btwn Daughter, Girlfriend, and me which I will happily share outside of the blog). Before he could get out of ear shot, Daughter tells me that he was checking out my butt. I was wearing my winter coat which would prevent any butt-viewing. I thought I was going to die! It's ok....I'll get my revenge when she's in middle school....that warrants at least 10 loud embarrassing "I love you's!" and maybe even a kiss! Is it possible to avoid this guy for the rest of the year?!

Shiny and New

I saw this nice bright and shiny thing and I just bought it. ~ Phil Hannon

The new fridge is here. OOO! Shiny! Me likey! :0)

A Woman Obsessed

'Mad' is a term we use to describe a man who is obsessed with one idea and nothing else. ~ Ugo Betti

Did you ever see that movie on the Lifetime channel where the woman tried to have her daughter's classmate killed in order to get her own child a spot on the cheerleading squad? Irrational, right? I AM IN NO WAY CONTEMPLATING DRASTIC MEASURES LIKE THAT...however, do you ever find yourself doing something totally irrational and obsessive when it comes to your own child? I found myself obsessing over Daughter today. I was sharing my worries with Luscious when she suggested a way to resolve the problem. It was devious, sneaky, and ridiculous BUT I did it! She was my accomplice which made it seem more like a silly prank (and I know it will be something we laugh about for years to come), but if you asked me yesterday if I would have done something like it...I would have said no. I've been sneaky before, but this was at an entirely different level. I wouldn't have done it had it not been to allay Daughter's fears and the compulsion to get to the bottom of her turmoil. The KICKER is that now that I've done it and I know that she has nothing to worry about I can't even divulge the info since I cannot explain how I know what I know. YEESH!

In Summary.....

Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "what happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call Mama. Any questions? ~ Mitch (City Slickers)

This week "off" has been such a wonderful experience. I was actually able to keep my house "tidy"....or at least my version of it considering the lifestyle I now have w/ children & the dog. I organized some things. Sorted through things that needed "weeding out" AND even got some work done in the yard. As much as I adore Christmas, Easter Break is always a more relaxing time. With all the rebirth of life in spring, I am always inspired to rid my existence of unnecessary things. Hey, I'm sure I still have quite a bit of the "unnecessary", but I have at least unloaded a vast amount of it from my life....old papers, scraps of junk, old clothes. As opposed to Christmas Break, I have very few obligations. I don't have the stress of making sure the decorations are picture-perfect (ok, stop laughing...it may not appear that everything is "picture perfect", but I STRIVE for it) only to pack them back up (even THAT takes me a while). The weather is usually more inviting this time of year. Despite the fact that it has been cooler than normal (snow on Easter weekend?! plus an extra day off due to the wind/tide), I did manage a day in the flower bed and get sun on the back of my neck while bending over the weeds. I DO hate the drudgery of everyday housework, BUT there is something cathartic about cleaning when I have time in the day for both cleaning AND play. I have thoroughly enjoyed this week because I have MADE time to see friends and feel that my home has actually been worthy of visitors. I suffer from some freakish mental disorder that does not ever let me think that my house is EVER clean enough to be seen by others. It never has the look of those pristine homes on tv where everything glistens and there is no clutter ANYWHERE......BUT, it is not in such a state where I would need one of those cleaning experts to shovel out rooms of half-eaten food and mounds of forgotten junk (well, except for the upstairs where we are remodeling - and there is NO half-eaten food!). Last night (Saturday) we had another couple over for dinner. I didn't get around to Swiffering the kitchen floor (which had already been done the day before). Bags of clothes for the thrift store and hand-me-downs littered the floor. But guess what....nobody died. Dinner was delicious (except I forgot to serve the stupid mushrooms and onions with the steaks - another martini moment. duh!). Despite my flub, we still had a great time. Friends are friends. This week has led to a few epiphanies. These are things I expect most people realize and embrace earlier in life. For some reason, I have not grasped these notions (and whether these become words to LIVE by is still debatable). First of all, my friends are my friends. They are not here to pass judgement on me due to the state of mess of my home. They come to visit ME not my dust bunnies. I need to perseverate less on my clutter and more on what matters in life. Second, I HAVE to focus more on the important things and less on the trivial matters in life. While doing the 'clean sweep', I found several old photographs. Looking at Daughter's early pictures, I must direct less attention to work and more attention on family. Spending a bit less time on work will not make me a less effective teacher. My family is the here and the now. That won't always be the case. I do not want to be a "woulda", "shoulda", "coulda" mom. My children do not need that kind of mom. A few things that occurred this week made me ask myself, "Do I KNOW my children? Do I really know what makes them happy? Do I know what their dreams are? Do I spend enough time with them?" I also need to make more time for the family members that are not my children. Spending time with Hubby makes me SO happy. We spent time together yesterday training our dog with the Invisible Fence we just bought (yes, yet another high dollar purchase this week...but not as stressful as buying the new fridge and the couch). I had so much fun in that 10 minutes. I SO enjoyed our obnoxious banter throughout dinner last night (some people don't "get" our relationship b/c we "smart ass" each other a great deal of the time, but we love it). Focusing on the mundane routines of life has resulted in less of these little moments together. I also spent a lot of time with Hubby's sisters this week while we went walking each day. I LOVED each time we went. In less than an hour we exercise, chat, and bitch about every problem imaginable. We vow to have the solution to every problem in the world or direct each issue to someone we are SURE can do it (and yes, we HAVE a name in mind). LAST, I need to allow myself the pleasure of enjoying new 'things'. I have worked hard and should not need to fight some kooky internal battle over a fridge and a couch.

What does this all mean? It means that I need to Spring Clean myself internally and enjoy life while I can. So many sicknesses and deaths have come to my awareness lately. I need to embrace the here and now so I won't regret it in the future. Hey, folks, help keep me in check.