The Roller Coaster

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you ~ 10,000 Maniacs

May. Here it is again. For me, it's the most bittersweet time of the year. As a child it was the absolute best....next to December, of course. May brought my birthday....a wonderful party lovingly planned out in intricate detail by my mom. There was the Winnie the Pooh party. My entire class was invited and each one had handmade burlap and felt Pooh ears. There were the countless sleepovers. The bashes at the roller rink. When I became a teacher, Mom would bring doughnuts and milk to class. Each celebration has been etched into my mind and heart. Not only did May bring my birthday, it brought my brother's as well. After getting past the initial confusion and anger of my younger brother's birthday being before mine (hey, I was only 5!), this was an addition highlight of May: another super party! To this day I marvel at how Mom accomplished this since our birthdays are only two days apart! I freak out and Daughter and Son's birthdays are two months apart!! As we got older, I looked forward to Hunter's (I may have given him another nickname earlier...can't remember now) birthday because it was a day that I could celebrate how thankful I am for him. He is one of the best gifts I have ever received....I guess that's why he was born near my birthday. What else is so special about May? It's my anniversary!! I get to revel in the fact that I am married to my soul mate. I knew from the moment we met (the summer before I entered 8th grade!) that there was something special there. Except for the occasional spat (you know, those times when you each speak a line or two in an irritable voice, fall silent for a bit, and then move on), we do not argue or fight. We laugh. We joke. We can comfortably enjoy silence between us. I could not exist in the regular world if I didn't know I had someone I love meeting me at home. Home is my haven from the rest of the world. Hurray for my anniversary!!!! My grandmother's birthday was also in May....the day after mine! It was so special to have so many birthday's at once!! One of my nephew's has a birthday in May, too! Ethel got married in May (the day before my birthday)....and I always smile when I think of her wedding day....freezing cold, "cleaning up" the champagne table with Carolina, the after-wedding party at my house (sorry, I have to remind Carolina of some of these blurred memories: "Doin' It All For Wheena", "The doctor's at your house?", the red drink on the carpet, that damn race on the TV, you staying an extra day to flop out). Mother's Day. Celebrating with my mom. Handmade mementos given to me by my babies.....May. May changed for me in the ring of the phone around 5pm on May 15, 2000 (the day after Mother's Day) when my dad called to say that my mom was "gone". The moments that it took for those words to sink in seemed endless. Daughter was 4 and totally freaked out as I immediately began to sob....deep sobs that erupted from the innermost part of my soul. I don't think she remembers. I look back now and feel so bad....she had to have been completely frightened and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. I was in such desperate need of my own mother whom I would never have hold me again....I was so empty that I couldn't do anything but wallow in my own misery. It grew worse as time elapsed. A week later I turned 30. Although my friends and family "went all out", it just was not the same. Yes, I have some excellent memories of the evening (Karaoke King, Carolina going swimming, the limo ride, dinner), but even when I reminisce about that night, there is an ever present chill at the core of it. Now, seven years later, I approach May with a morbid curiosity: "How will I react this year?" Some years it bothers me on Mother's Day. Some years it's on the day. Some years it's my birthday (which I absolutely despise now - I only go through the routine of the celebration because my children just don't understand and I hope they never do; I don't want to go to school because I still feel the emptiness of no doughnuts and milk despite the fact that I DO NOT WANT THEM unless the impossible were to happen & Mom could bring them; I don't want the kids or anyone else to acknowledge my birthday either, but, like my own children, they do not understand). Some years it's intermittently throughout the month. Sometimes I get grouchy. Other times I cry. On the best days I smile and giggle thinking about the memories. Today I woke up with a need to write about it. I didn't have time to actually write this morning. I "worked on it" mentally in the shower, intending to get it written down during my planning period.....when it was fresh and my emotions were raw. I never quite got there....which I am convinced is a good thing (as writing this has taken me through a tour of varied emotions) despite the fact that this "late" version is nothing compared to what I had conjured up this morning. I immersed myself in a project that wasn't due until Friday. The project is complete and in the hands of the Asst. Principal. Early. I don't even know if Luscious realizes how many times during the past 7 years she has helped me through the rough days at school that tend to plague May. I needed to focus on that project today to keep me busy. Our classes are working on a project together in the same room. She volunteered to work with all the kids so I could finish the project. The whole time she was apologizing because it was a grade-level project I was doing (in her words) "all the work". Keeping my mind on that project this morning and getting it complete today preserved my sanity. So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how May 2007 pans out. Will it be another emotional roller coaster of elation and depression or will it meander along like any other month?