The Upside of May

Do you think I'd be working in a place like this if I could afford a real snake?

~ Zhora (Blade Runner)

I cannot even believe that I am getting ready to write this next phrase....I had an absolute blast at work this week! I have laughed SO much over the most wicked things...which makes it even better! I don't even know how to begin! Rather than even attempt to do this chronologically, it's probably best in my fragmented mind to bullet each antic in a new paragraph.

One highlight of the week is truly getting to realize that the new Assistant Principal is quite fun and can appreciate some off-color humor. Luscious and I were brave enough to share some of the crudeness of our week with her. Two lovelies in Luscious' class decided to use the new pointer (which is essentially a white-gloved pointing hand mounted on a green stick) to touch other children's "privates". This warranted a trip to the AP. After school we went to the office with the pointer. I can't even remember which one of us told her that we'd been touched with the pointer. AP told us a pointer like that just screamed out to be used for what the kids had done with it. It was funny when we told her that it had been purchased at the school book fair.

This week was Teacher Appreciation Week. Our PTA does all sorts of wonderful things for us. Yesterday we had a short staff meeting. The PTA had solicited quite a large quantity of prizes to be given out in a "raffle-like" style. I didn't win (which didn't exactly bother me at the time b/c I was too busy laughing at Luscious about the shoes.....don't worry - I'll get to that one next). However, it was delightful when Harry won a half-bushel of crabs. I cannot even begin to tell you how many jokes have been made about Harry getting crabs...yes, extremely juvenile BUT a hell of a lot of fun. Well, this morning there were more prizes: 11 people each won a $50 bill.....and Harry re-raffled his crabs. These prizes were given away on the daily school morning show viewed by all students and staff. Fortunately I did not win the crabs....my assistant did. The kids were cheering euphorically because Dookie got crabs. I was laughing OUT LOUD! My mind was in the GUTTER. It's Saturday for goodness sake!!! Dookie got crabs from Harry. Luscious came over from her room to share in the jubilation. Then Harry showed up to officially give her the crabs (well, a certificate for them). I am rather positive that Harry and Dookie wish the crabs had never been a prize. I am going to write a personal note to the PTA thanking them for the crabs. At the end of the day one of my students came up to me and said, "I am so happy Miss Dookie won the crabs." Laughing hysterically on the inside I replied, "I am glad she got crabs, too." I really think I need to limit my trips to the Dancing Turtle for espresso laced mochas to days when I DON'T have school.

THE SHOES.....(this is a long one, I warn you)

Early in the week I was teaching.....wrapped up entirely in my lesson, writing on the board with my back to the children (we have these cool microphones we wear so we can be heard even when we have our backs to the kids). I turned around to find the AP in my room for an ambush observation. Toward the beginning of the year Luscious and I chattered numerous times about how the very thought of her observing us unnerved us beyond belief. She was new. Totally unfamiliar and always carried herself in the most professional manner. As the year (and esp this week) has worn on, we have gotten to know AP and admire her. She is professional and handles all concerns with the utmost respect for us and the students. Anyway, I had a moment of panic when I turned around and THERE SHE WAS with the clipboard (at least it wasn't the laptop which she has been known to use). Then, I just went with it. Later I joked with her, telling her how she scared me sneaking into the room and making herself at home in such a stealth way. I was also a bit surprised because I didn't realize this was the year that I'd have more than one observation. Nonchalantly she remarked that it was actually my year to get a summative (major evaluation) because it' the year that I renew my license. WHAT?! From a previous meeting I knew that summatives had to be done by next week. That meant one thing: another observation this week....from Harry. No big deal....he's had to observe me several times in my career and there are never any problems (I already have the results and it was great!). AP told me she wished that she was doing that observation b/c it would have been great (did I feel good or what?! - how long would this feeling last?). This is going to seem like it is switching gears BIG TIME, but I promise it is quite relevent. I have been working with Luscious and Harry for 13 years. When you work with people that long and you have similar tastes in humor, it's very easy to develop a rapport that to some would be rather risque. In fact, we could all easily be in trouble for sexually harassing each other. It's nothing personal....it's just a form of humor. It is never taken seriously. I told our school counselor (who also shares a sense of humor as dark and deprave as mine) about how when we knew we were getting observed we used to wear certain things that we knew Harry liked. As we were having this conversation, Harry strolled by. She called him over and bluntly asked him what he wanted me to wear for the observation. Yes....vulgar inuendos were made....but he did provide a preferred color scheme (black and white - NO ORANGE) and requested pumps. Being the whore for perfection that I am when it comes to grades and evaluations, I planned an outfit based on the preferred color scheme and selected sassy heels (the ones I bought while in Atl. for Carolina's wedding). To poke fun at this whole ridiculous charade, I wore my wedge flip flops until he arrived for the observation and then changed shoes. Sick, huh? When he was done, but before he left the pod, I changed back into the flip flops. He went right over to Luscious' room and told her she needed shoes like mine. Despite the fact that the sassy shoes did not match her color scheme for the day, Luscious decided to wear them to the front office at lunch as a joke. She strutted around in them making jokes about needing lunch off so she could eat with Richard (I haven't even gotten to telling about how she was an extra in a movie that is being filmed here: Nights in Rodanthe with Richard Gere and Diane Lane!). She ended up putting them in my box in the workroom. I took the shoes and hid them under the desk in the front office and then led her to believe that another teacher (who had admired them and wanted them - thinking they were being given away). During the staff meeting she asked about the shoes.....if I had them back. With my best fake-look-of-horror, I looked at her and said, "No, I thought you took them out of my box and back to your room." This prompted her to leave the staff meeting to look for the shoes. I had her believing that the other teacher had stolen my shoes. Although it would have been funny, I DID stop her before she confronted the "suspect". I love practical jokes!