The Rollercoaster

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grown up under the same roof. ~ Richard Bach

I have just arrived home after spending a fabulous day with my dad, More-Than-a-Stepmom, her daughter, her daughter's fiance, and his daughter. Just as last year, we spent time letting the girls play and hanging out in the sunshine on the beach. Son ended up soaked from the neck down, providing the excuse: I was just water walking. It looked more like water jumping to me, but there hits a point of exasperation when I just have to resign myself to the fact that it's not worth the effort to even utter another command and to just let the events play themselves out. Today was such a day. After our day together, we got together for dinner. Another delicious meal. I know that any time I visit Dad's I am going to completely adore everything that I consume. Today I was spoiled by two meals that the cult would not approve....but boy were they worth it! Anyway, I am rambling so I will get to the heart of this. Last year we had a similar get together. Last year left me dealing with an unexpected emotional outburst known only to Hubby. I did not share my feelings anywhere else because I was so confused and felt horrible that I was even experiencing such emotions. It's hard to even discuss them now, but I feel the need to revisit them and contrast them with the way I feel tonight. Last year I didn't make it out of Dad's housing development before bursting into tears. I had had such a wonderful evening, but as the night unfolded (and the more alcohol I consumed - maybe not such a smart move...but I did not anticipate the emotions to come) and the children filled the house with laughter that we all enjoyed, I could not help feeling like Mom had been cheated out of hearing her home filled with the joyous noises of her grandchildren. It broke my heart even though I realistically knew that the evening would not have been possible unless the events that had led up to this point had not taken place. I love my step-family. My emotions on that night were not even remotely connected to them. They were driven by my own selfishness. For years before Mom died I prayed for Dad's happiness each night. My prayers were answered; he, in my opinion, is happier than ever. He has always deserved the happiness he now has. Confused? I know I was....and most of you do not know the details concerning life before Mom passed away. I do not wish to get into that tonight. Instead, I am using this blog as a forum to mull over the stark emotional contrast I am feeling this year. When I arrived home tonight, it suddenly hit me that there was no emotional battle raging within me. The kids had still had fun. Daughter is even spending the night with her "cousin by marriage" as the girls put it. We laughed and created new memories. I had some drinks (which is probably more apparent now). All of the same characters were present (except for Brother who is out of town). It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't see the wound left by my mother's death ever completely healing, but maybe...just maybe....the wound won't always be so raw and painful....at least not all the time. I do remember a time where it hurt every day just to exist. Then it intertwined with numbness. Gradually, life resumed....but it was forever altered. Sometimes that same initial anguish can return in the blink of an eye with the same magnitude with absolutely no warning. The emotion is strong, but not as long-lived. Nonetheless, my whole point here is that I am amazed by the contrast in emotions. I am perplexed, but am thankful for the ability to experience this day without the bonus of emotional trauma (ok...maybe trauma is a harsh word, but it adds to the impact of the entry, don't you think?). OK, I know, enough of the "Deep Thoughts" for this night. I have neither solved the problems of the world nor even come close to figuring out the craziness that takes place within the confines of my skull. Oh, well. At least I have settled my brain for now by expressing my thoughts, as random as they are, in words.