Perfected to an Art Form

Hi. I’m looking for a man first name Hugh last name Jass. [Moe: ok has anyone seen a Hugh Jass? Hello, I’m looking for a Hugh Jass!] ~ Bart Simpson

I don’t know why, but ever since a birthday party I had in middle school, I have been in love with the art of prank phone calls. I was in 6th or 7^th grade and we spent an entire evening taking turns calling people with completely ignorant phrases. The laughter that ensued was the kind of laughter that comes from the core of one’s soul…the contagious kind….the kind that just won’t stop. For me, laughter like that is one of the best things in the world. I adore laughing and try desperately to laugh like that daily. It’s what gets me through life. One way I achieve such laughter is through prank phone calls. In college, there was the “May I speak to the Slug?” series to our Dookies (Carolina and Ethel will remember these fondly). In my early married life there was the visit from my brother and one of his college friends that involved calling one of those hair growth companies to inquire about the exact places it would make hair grow. Other calls of note were the series of calls Yo, L and I made during the kidnapping of Sponge Bob. Using the outside line at school to call the owner of Sponge Bob within the school was immense fun. Even though I know I am technically an adult, I still get a thrill from making these infantile phone calls. Last year I made a series of calls to S.C.(Slang Challenged)’s son. For several weeks I called him (she was an accomplice….I am not THAT deranged) pretending to be the woman who ended up with their lost cell phone (LONG story). Basically, S.C. got a new phone with the same number without telling the rest of her family. So, when I called saying that my boyfriend had given me the phone for Valentine’s Day and asked why the son’s number was programmed into my phone, it really caught them off guard. My accomplices (SC & Luscious) and I came extremely close to wet-your-pants laughter during this series of calls. SC would call her son from the school to make sure he was answering and then I would call from the cell. The things we do to let off some steam after teaching all day! We were ROLLING the day he actually yelled, “Who the F*** is this?!” into the phone. These shenanigans went on for a month or better….ending with revelation on April Fools Day. We even had her husband fooled. Priceless. One of my favorites was the one I made to a colleague at school leaving a voicemail pretending to be a white trash parent and threatening to come down to the “schoolhouse” and “open up a can of whoop-ass” on her for giving out her phone number causing drug dealers to call her begging for her medicine. We had the colleague going until I messed up and somehow didn’t hang up the cell phone properly. The wild laughter that Luscious and I created gave us away. The colleague let us listen to it and I must say (until the laughter), I was rather convincing. This phone call began a tradition that Luscious and I continue to this day. We are co-chairs of the annual science festival at our school. One of our responsibilities is to purchase all of the consumables for the event. This involves a trip to Walmart after a day of teaching. Where we live, this is a big deal because the Walmart is at least an hour away. Needless to say, we are already exhausted and basically get “slap happy”. We shop, eat out, sometimes have a drink, and always return LATE. During the long trip home, we devise prank voicemails to leave coworkers so they’ll have a nifty surprise on Monday morning. Last year we called the school finance officer and told her that Walmart confiscated the school credit card. I know there were others…oh, yeah, we called our assistants and said that we had ridden by Talon’s house and she came out and threw rocks at us. I can’t remember any others right now. Last night’s excursion was no exception. We made a total of four phone calls. This year’s were not my best work….probably because we didn’t have drinks this year (damn those points!). However, we still laughed and hopefully the recipients will enjoy a little humor on the Monday before Spring Break. Sorry, no details on these calls as the pranks have not been received, yet. Heh heh heh!