Overall Betrayal

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops? - unknown

Apparently the answer to this is simple, based upon my own life experiences: so I could conceivably strap dangerous contraband or explosives to my body to sabotage a flight to Vegas.

Air travel: being stuffed into a suppository-shaped metal tube while smashed into seats next to an odd assortment of strangers who have the capacity to be the most annoying humans ever placed on the planet. Is this a quote from Webster's? NO! It is from the mental book written in my head entitled The World According to Me! Hey, if that old guy on 60 Minutes or that guy from the John Boy & Billy show can make a career out of sarcastically sharing their thoughts with the world, then I am entitled to do so on my blog!Anyway, in my quest to seek the smallest bit of comfort on the flight, I sought out the most comfortable outfit I owned: my beloved overalls. Baggy, roomy and completely unflattering...ahh, how I love my overalls! Comfort personified....or so I thought! Not being flight savvy, I donned my unsightly farmer attire thinking of nothing but my need to be comfy on the long flight. I could easily wear my clogs with this ensemble....making it easier to remove my shoes to walk through the metal detector. PERFECT! Unconsciously smiling many times during the drive to the airport thinking about my love for my overalls, I truly believed I had made the perfect attire selection. Not until I approached the metal detector and visibly saw the dude look directly at my waist (or more accurately, where my waist should be if it was not concealed by the bagginess of my overalls), did I even contemplate that overalls were anything less than wonderful. Instantly, in my mind I envisioned the "thought bubble" above this man's head containing visions of the wide variety of horrors my overalls were more than likely concealing: knives, clippers, guns, bombs, toothpicks, enough trinkets that could create the end of the world if I were MacGuyver. Immediately I knew that I was going to be lucky enough to get an added bonus: a wand-over and pat down from the next level of security. I was so glad that I had three metal fasteners at each hip....the wand beeped over each one, inviting a rub from Queen Latifah's rubber-gloved hand. This chick was like Mama in Chicago. Each wave of the wand was verbally described as was the pat down. I wondered if she had been trained by a gynecologist...ladies, you know how they describe EVERY move they make: "You are going to feel something....blah, blah, blah...as I blah, blah, blah!" After the hip search, I was even more delighted to have all the metal fasteners holding the straps to the bib of the overalls. Had it not been for the padding in my bra, this could easily have been a free breast exam! Good thing the medical community hasn't discovered this because I would have been slapped with a bill that insurance more than likely would not have covered! Not only were there metal fasteners on the straps, there were pockets on the bib pockets of the overalls! Thank you GAP designers for all the fashionable do-dads you affixed to my overalls. Thank you Brother for purchasing these overalls for me so I could get the bonus groping I was awarded. Thank you overalls for betraying me! Although you provided a comfortable flight, I could have done without the groping, gloved hands of Queen Latifah. Note to self: DO NOT WEAR OVERALLS TO FLY!

PS....On the return flight I opted for form fitting black exercise pants...again unflattering, but making it clear to the airport security team that there was NOTHING being concealed. Cottage cheese must not be considered a threat to Homeland Security. I threw my comfortable, oversized sweatshirt in the gray box for electronic scanning. Successful, non-groping boarding was the reward! :0)