Whiny McWhiner

"All I want is a little of the good life
All I need is to have a good time, oh, the good life" ~ Three Days Grace

I have an incredible life: a loving family, stability, food, shelter, and enough to indulge every now and then (although my definition of "indulge" is probably less indulgent than most would consider "indulgent"). Having said that, I know enough about myself to realize that when things don't go my way or the way I expect, I am severely disappointed and can easily sink into the doldrums...my own personal pity party. I can quickly and easily enumerate every "not-so-good" aspect of my life...mundane things. Why do I do this? Not sure...human nature? Case, in point, my attachment to the Three Days Grace song quoted above. I have so much, but my pity party has me clinging to these lyrics. In preparing for what I thought would be a new chapter of my life, I became reacquainted with this blog and renewed my dedication to it. Maybe that was THE PLAN the entire time...so I would renew my passion for journaling. Maybe the anticipation for the new chapter was meant to make me reflect on my life...which is what I do when I write this blog. I'm not sure why I was tempted by something new, only to find out that it could not happen. Well, it COULD have happened had I been willing to make certain concessions that I just couldn't bring myself to do. Now I am fearful that the new choice I've made (essentially staying with the status quo) is still not the right choice. I was excited about the change...it would have been challenging, yet exhilarating to tackle something new. I had clung to the pros on my "pros and cons" list of why to accept the new...now that the new is not going to happen, the cons are what make the tears flow...they are written in my mind in Sharpie...not a fine pointed one...a BIG THICK-TIPPED, HORRIBLY SCENTED one...and they race through my mine like a stock ticker. With so much to be thankful for and all the blessings I've been granted, I am disgusted with myself for being Whiny McWhiner. I recently read This I Believe II. It is a series of essays written by a wide array of people expressing their belief on life. Some are quite funny and others are so unfathomably heart wrenching. The entire time I was reading, I was thinking what I believe. I believe in THE PLAN. I cannot remember if I've written it on here or if it was just something I composed elsewhere and have since lost, but I honestly believe that there is a PLAN...when looking at the large picture of life, the bad and good things in life (those that occur on a larger scale...not the small events in daily life like breaking a nail...but a death or a disappointment or getting married) are created to prepare for future events. The events are delicately intertwined...like a well-choreographed ballet or musical piece. The sensible part of me knows and believes that this disappointment is merely part of THE PLAN. There IS a reason for this. For now, though, waiting for time to reveal THE PLAN, is hurting me emotionally. Ridiculous, I know. I keep saying that my pity party is over...and I believe it until I start thinking about the whole situation. Then I get angry for feeling this way because there are so many other problems people deal with each day...this is a big fat nothing. I HATE DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!