Pull-Ups...Not Just for Kids Anymore

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think that humans are nuts. ~ John Steinbeck

Finley gave me one of these looks today. I have never had a dog that was not spayed. I have never been around a dog that has been in heat. Just goes to prove that one is never too old to learn something new. I will spare the details of how I discovered the dog was in heat. As I have said in previous posts, I live in a REMOTE area. I cannot run out to the PetSmart and pick up a pack of doggie "supplies". First I called Hubby at work. His suggestion: the Pull-Up. Although deep in my heart I knew that this was going to have to be the solution, I was not ready to accept it. I called my brother. His solution? Again, the Pull-Up. How do I even begin to cut a proper hole for the tail?! Yeesh! I grabbed the Pull-Up and cut a slit from the waistband that was about 5-6 inches long. Then, like a rodeo cowboy roping a calf, I went for the dog. No, it is not easy to get a Pull-Up on a dog. I begged Daughter to assist, guaranteeing that she would only have to hold the dog's collar....she would not have to make any contact with her hind end (don't cha just hear Larry the Cable Guy when you read those two words?). A short struggle ensued, but the Pull-Up was on....only to begin falling off because the slit just separated. My solution? The stapler. I think Daughter was a bit shocked when I asked her to get it since she had jokingly suggested that we staple it TO the dog. I stapled the slit at the waistband and voila! A stylish doggie diaper that any bitch in the neighborhood would be proud to wear! I haven't seen any of the other dogs sporting Cars (the kid's movie) Pull-Ups....eat your heart out, bitches! Now to think about what I'm going to do when Son comes home and finds out Finley is wearing his night-time underwear......

Stock Advice

Bob Dole speaking on Viagara on Larry King after revealing he was a test subject: "I wish I had bought stock in it."

Well, all, it's been a long time since I have posted. Lots of trivial garbage has gone on....stuff I couldn't even make humorous enough to post. Girl Scout cookies, school, basketball, blah blah blah. One development that I don't think I detailed was Daughter's entrance into the world of shaving. Daughter is 11 years old. I didn't think she'd be shaving yet. Oh the world we live in.

This tale begins about one month ago when I noticed my razor was placed differently in the shower. Considering we all use the shower, I didn't think too much of it AT THE TIME...it doesn't take much to knock things out of place in the shower. Forward a few days.....a gorgeous, warm day. Hubby takes Son and Finley to the beach on the sound side. Lots of seaweed to get into. Sand. Water. Little boys' delights. That night Son's knuckles are bright red and irritated. The cause? No definitve answer. ....possibly jellyfish?! Forward a few more days.....it's evening (a Wed. b/c it was Hubby's poker night) and I am wallowing in bed enjoying tv peacefully. Daughter comes in worried that Son had used her "bath puff". Her reason? She has red marks like he had had on his knuckles....hers were on her legs. At this point, she props a leg up on the edge of my bed. Red splotches covering the area between her knee and her ankle. Me....perplexed UNTIL I notice a lone hair sprouting from her shin. "When did you start shaving your legs?" I ask calmly. "Last week," Daughter's nonchalant response. Yes, razor burn from shaving with water. No soap. No lotion. No bath gel. Hmmm. I hope Son wasn't shaving his knuckles to get HIS marks. I broke down and bought her the proper supplies. My daughter is a shaver. In just over a week she completely used up a can of shaving lotion. Today, Luscious, her daughter Vera, Daughter, and I were illegally hanging out in the school workroom (NO KIDS ALLOWED!!!). I mentioned to Daughter that she needed to slow down on the shaving lotion. Luscious happened to rub Daughter's arm and commented on how smooth it was. Yeah, it's smooth! She has shaved her freakin' arms!!!! No...not her armPITS...her ARMS! We are not a hairy people. We have (or in her case HAD) blonde hair on our arms that is quite sparse. If we were Sasquatch....I'd completely understand. If she were a competitive swimmer, I'd completely understand. HOWEVER, there is no real need for her to shave her arms! At closer inspection, I found that she has stubble growing from her elbow up and shaved smooth from the elbow down. I pray that she doesn't pull a Britney Spears and begin shaving her damn head. My advice to you is to buy stock in shaving lotion and razors....my daughter will make you very rich people if her shaving habits continue.

PS Carolina and Ethel: You may be laughing at this.....BUT REMEMBER: Your time is coming and you each will have TWO daughters!

In the Dark Ages

“You’ve heard of plug-and-play. This is plug, unplug and play. It’s so simple to use, it’s unbelievable”—Steve Jobs

Apparently I should not own one of these modern marvels. I have been fighting with iTunes since last night trying to get a new song from Hubby's LimeWire playlist to the Music list so I can put the stupid song on my playlist. When I click on the song in Hubby's LimeWire playlist and then right click to put it on another playlist, it only lets me put it in the What's New list. Then I can't move it to my playlist. Damn technology! By the time I figure this out I will hate the song!

Furthermore, a bunch of pictures have just miraculously migrated from my PC to my iPod without me knowing. Some of the pictures really suck and I don't know how to get them off. I love the premise of the iPod and I know I am not using it to its full potential, but some simple directions for those of us who are technically challenged would be nice. I tried the Help, but it really wasn't what I was looking for. AARRGGG!

Calling All Girls

Cecile: This iced tea tastes funny.
Sebastian: It's from Long Island.
~ Cruel Intentions

I don't know if it's because I could sleep in this morning or if it's the delightfully caffeinated coffee I indulged in this morning or if it's just the odd force of nature that has made everything off-kilter this week.....NONETHELESS: I am in the mood to throw down. I could easily down a few Long Island Iced Teas in some crowded place with loud blaring music....like the Trolls of yore...and laugh the night away with my friends. Sadly, this will not take place. Why? Several reasons.
1. I live in an area that does not have liquor by the drink. In order to get the drink I am longing for, I would have to take a ferry ride to the next county or drive an hour away.
2. At this stage in life, calling people at 5:30 in the evening to arrange for a night of frivolous fun is usually not fruitful.

What's even sadder is that as much I would love to go out, by 8:30 I will be ready for bed. At least I am saving myself from a hangover tomorrow. :0)