Fait Accompli

Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. - St. Francis of Assisi

Challenges make you discover things about yourself, you never really knew. They are what make the instrument stretch; what make you go beyond the norm. - Cicely Tyson

Although I have done more than my share of complaining and whining about the process involved in obtaining my Masters in Elementary Education, I feel it necessary to reflect on my experience as of way of reaching closure. Yes, the commencement was nearly one month ago, but it has actually taken this long to really take a good look at the endeavor. I found some quotes that really seemed to apply to my experience and felt that I needed to include both of the more meaningful ones. The first one exemplifies my career as a teacher and how my life pertaining to the classroom has evolved. As I began, in order to survive, I was able to accomplish merely what was necessary. As I gained experience, I was able to do "what was possible"....developing elaborate plans, engaging in intricate lessons, etc. The addition of grad school fully encompassed the "doing the impossible"...or at least what I viewed to be the impossible at one point in my life. Thus, the next quote. I have learned a lot about myself that I did not know prior to being a graduate student. Believe me....I went beyond what was considered the norm. What did I learn about myself? I am much more anal about academics than I thought. The student I was in graduate school was not the student I was in undergrad. One of my professors my last semester, who was worried about my health due to the exceedingly high stress levels that were glaring (even in email), advised me to trust my judgment rather than stress out trying to make sure everything was perfect for every assignment. She was confident that I had a long line of excellent GPA's and it was time to chill out. Did I have her fooled or what? Undergrad was less than stellar as far as grades. For some reason I was not as driven then as I was this time around. I am an "A" addict at this juncture. I was a woman obsessed. Being able to view my grades online at any hour of the day made me some kind of freak. I waited like a drug addict for the next "hit" (i.e. grade). I checked those grades as if I had OCD. To be honest, I did not like the person I evolved into during the last two years. I had no patience and put many of the joys in my life on hold. Suffice to say, I do not plan to engage in any official academic endeavors any time soon.

As I continue to mull this whole experience over, I begin to worry about myself. Many tokens of honor, designed to make me feel special have been heaped upon me. My school system made a big deal about the degree, as did my school. I have been showered with a multitude of congratulations from a vast array of people: family, friends, acquaintances, parents of students....the list goes on. Sometimes I feel so phony...acting as excited as the well-wisher. However, I do not honestly feel that it is that big of a deal. What is wrong with me? Reality tells me that this is a great accomplishment, but I do not feel worthy of the spoils. It is just another thing. Is it because I gave up so many things that I value in order to attain it? Is it because I didn't like the person I became during the process? I guess I need to ponder this more to finally reach closure.

Now to wander out of Depression Alley, made famous in the vignette Kristin and the Professor's Syllabus (ok....lame joke trying to evoke the image of the Potter series), I am elated that the journey is complete. Even though I am not quite experiencing the level of euphoria I expected, I am looking forward to life that is not planned and executed according to a heap of syllabi (is that right?). Better than that, I am thankful for the opportunity it gave me to bond with one of the other chicks in the program. I have been friends with Joy (remember I don't use real names) for years, but this hellish experience solidified our friendship even more....plus gave me someone to blame for the negative repercussions since it is all her fault that I started the program in the first place. I curse her and thank her simultaneously. Don't worry....she knows and shares my sense of humor and will find this to be amusing (I hope). We had a super time at graduation and have already planned on other ways to anally fill the void that once was filled by grad school. With that, I am done with this post. Thoughtful, yet somewhat depressing, I am sure. Sorry for the downer...maybe getting the negative out will allow me to revel in the glory I should be feeling. :0)