What is Wal-Mart? Is it, like, they sell wall stuff? ~ Paris Hilton
I composed a magnificent (humble, huh?) blog the other night about my shopping extravaganza with Luscious that took place last Saturday. I typed and typed trying to capture the essence of our excursion...practically succeeding. That's when Son crawled under the desk and pressed the reset button on the surge bar. Not taking time to 'save as draft' every few minutes fearing it would ruin my momentum, my anecdote was GONE. Lost forever as the computer shut down. I am going to attempt to do it again, but I am rather positive that it just won't have the same vibe as the original. Sorry to disappoint if it sucks. I am not checking my spelling or grammar or even rereading!
Weeks ago Luscious and I were discussing the "clothes coupons" we had recently acquired on our separate "back to school shopping" trips. She was in possession of some that were only valid from Sept. 7 -10. Yes, a small window of shopping opportunity, but a window nonetheless. My coupons weren't quite as stringent and weren't even for my own personal shopping...they were for Daughter's favorite clothes shop (Limited Too)....but, hey, shopping is shopping. Luscious and I always have an adventure when we go shopping. For those of you unfamiliar with the remote area in which we live, when we need (yes, NEED) to go shopping, it typically takes us to Nags Head (1hr. away) or to Chesapeake, VA (at least 3 hrs. away). Nags Head has the Wal-Mart and K-Mart and some outlet shops (Gap, Tommy Hilfigger, London Fog, etc.) but for the full mall experience, Virginia is the destination. Our coupons required the full mall experience, dictating a trip to VA. The date, Sat. the 9th, was set weeks ago and we were counting down the days. Planning our itinerary. Planning our meals (yes, this sounds lame, but it is essential when there aren't any Olive Gardens, Chili's, etc. anywhere closer than VA). Then, tragedy struck in the form of Ernesto (hurricane/tropical storm). We missed school the Friday before Labor Day due to the foul weather, but that meant the absolute worst: make up day on our day of shopping. Did that stop us? Not a bit. After the 12:45 dismissal, we prepped our rooms for Monday (which delayed our departure until almost 2) and headed north ("we" being me, Daughter, Luscious, and Little Luscious - 15 yr. old daughter of Luscious - sorry about the lame nickname....I will devise a better, more appropriate one later). Since starvation had come close to taking our lives, we felt the need to stop in Nags Head at the newest addition to the area: a Cold Stone Creamery. I am embarrassed to say that until this jaunt I was a Cold Stone Creamery virgin. Let me tell you how much I LOVED the delicious delight I ordered at the Cold Stone. I had some chocolate concoction (surprise) while Daughter had something called Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate something or other. As much as I enjoyed mine, I think I will indulge in that minty goodness next time. Not wanting to risk life and limb to eat and drive, we delayed further travel until I was disgustingly full of that chocolatey treat (which was complemented by the waffle bowl). Thank the Lord I don't have to weigh THIS week! We pressed on toward our destination, planning all of our stops. We needed to go to Office Max/Depot (I cannot for the life of me remember which one....but does it really matter?) and TAPS (Teacher and Parent Store) for classroom supplies. We planned on visiting several shops at the mall (Aeropostale, Limited Too, Pearle Vision, Claire's, JCPenny, the standard Asian-run manicure/pedicure shop, KB Toys, NY & Co. as well as anything else that tickled our fancy). Quite a lofty agenda for such a small amount of time....but, hey, a girl can dream. We also knew Wal-Mart was in order for personal needs as well as cheaper classroom needs. Sadly, our late departure (and stops) soon led to shaving our list down a bit. First to go was Pearle Vision. I was supposed to pick up Daughter's spare glasses (no, I did not hinder her visual capability in order to get a pedicure...she is presently wearing her NEW frames and lenses). It was 5-ish when we hit the Office Max/Depot. We were too cheap to buy our classroom supplies there (six date stamps and ink pads were way too much money for our destructive 2nd graders....plus there weren't enough for each of us to get the 6; 6 does seem excessive, but each writing toolbox needs one in accordance with our new writing program). Finally we arrived at the mall. Daughter and I headed straight to Limited Too to sink a small fortune into clothing because I had coupons. What better reason? All the sparkly trinkets work their magic on Daughter....I have to lead her away from all the needless "junk" the store sells in order to get her to select which clothes will satisfy her picky taste in attire. While we were in Limited Too, Luscious and Little Luscious tackled NY & Co and Aeropostale. This brings me to the first question I have for pondering: How did groups of shoppers ever find each other and successfully shop separately prior to cell phones? Although I lived through such an era, I find it quite archaic to even dream of shopping without the cell phone. "Hey, where are you?" "Where to next?" "Meet you there." Well, back to the saga....Since we had more coupons, our next stop was Bath and Body Works. It seemed like a quick trip through the shop...I'm sure if Hubby was there it would have seemed like an eternity to him. I know that Bath and Body Works is listed on his Top Ten Stores I Hate...along with Old Navy and Limited Too. The next major stop was to the Asian-run nail place. Daughter was excited because she was going to get in on the girl action and get her toes painted by a professional for the first time. She didn't want a pedicure or anything quite like that...just her nails painted with some cute designs. OOPS! Back up a sec...prior to going to the shop, we went to buy new nail polish to take with us to the nail shop so we would be able to match our colors when we chipped our nails at home. Thus, question two: Shouldn't there be some kind of discount at the nail place when you take your own polish? Especially when you practically have to physically engage someone violently to get it back? Luscious, Little Luscious, and I were all enjoying our foot soak when the meanest tech in the place came to get Daughter. As they walked by I reminded Daughter to tell the tech that she wanted fancy lines, too. Well, as it turned out, since I hadn't specifically written "fancy design" next to her name when I signed her in, the meanie wouldn't do the fancy nails....deflating Daughter's grand illusion of what it would be like to get her nails done with the rest of us. Since she IS my daughter, she became angry, lashing out with her wicked tongue (after we left thankfully). We didn't quite understand because Little Luscious (who did not write "fancy toes" next to her name) was able to get the fancy polish. The Mean One also put Daughter's polish back on the store's rack so we had to hunt it down and reclaim it (I had to dig mine out from a pile of polish next to my foot spa station). Daughter went from happiness and joy to foul and nasty in a mere 0.1 seconds. It was suddenly the worst day of her life...yes, these words came out of her dramatic mouth. The fact that the mall was closing without a visit to Claire's, KB Toys, or the pet shop didn't do much to help the situation. It was now almost 10 pm and it was time for dinner. Daughter protested with word and deed (she has quite the serious pout) about our choice of Olive Garden for dinner. However, by the time we got inside and ordered, she was euphoric. Was this mood swing hormonal? I was flabberghasted. We all ate and laughed. Luscious and I felt pretty sick after our meals...The Cult (Weight Watchers) has really affected the quantities of food we are now able to eat. I know it's a good thing overall, but I miss the days when we could eat forever. Finally, well after 10 pm, it was time for Wal-Mart. I was unimpressed with this Wal-Mart. I'm sure the fact that it was so late helped detract from the ambiance further. Believe it or not, we actually heard an announcement that it was against the rules to play football in the store. We think we saw the alleged players....we saw 20-somethings racing motorized carts shortly thereafter. Who would have thought we would be able to shop and witness sporting events in the Wal-Mart at that time of night. Since the events of the night are now kind of foggy (it was a few weeks ago), I don't know how long we actually wandered through the joint or really even all the stuff we looked at, but it was after midnight when we finally left the Wal-Mart. Are you doing the math? I still had a 3 hr. drive to get to my cozy bed! I am notoriously bad about putting gas in my car. (Knocking on wood) I have never run out, but I know it's my destiny since I cut it so close. Here I am after midnight knowing that I cannot get home without gas. Yes, I could always use my credit card, but I always have this fear that my card will not work (note that the fear has not forced me to change my ways). I found a place that was open with really cheap gas - score - only to discover that you had to pay first. I HATE THAT! I knew I was filling up and Daughter was starving (how, I don't now) so I presented the guy with a $100...confident that the $50 I had wouldn't cover both gas and snack. He gave me such a happy look. I pumped....leaving Daughter in the store to forage....and then got my change and headed south. Poor Luscious, suffering from the 1st cold of the year after spending a short amount of time with the germ spreaders at school, felt terrible! Bringing me to another question: What kind of world are we living in when we cannot pay for gas AFTER pumping and we can't buy decent over-the-counter cold medicine in Wal-Mart after the pharmacy is closed?! Have you tried to buy cold medicine lately? Thanks to the kids hopped up on methamphetamine, you have to get a card for your medicine (similar to those needed when making a big purchase at Toys-R-Us) and take it to the pharmacy to get your meds. If you are sick and need medicine after the pharmacy is closed, you are SOL. ANYHOW, it was after 2:30 when I dropped her off at her house....leaving me with the last 40-45 minutes alone with a sleeping child and my XM. Oh! I forgot one of the biggies! Before we went into the mall, Luscious discovered that the sticker on my license plate had expired in March. I am oh-so-thankful that I never got pulled or got entangled in a license check. Did I stress about it? DUH! Stress isn't my middle name....it's the first! I finally arrived home around 3:30 and went directly to bed. I slept until 8 or 9, skipped church, and even took a nap from 1 to 3 (so unlike me in my present life). Since we'd had the fortune of Saturday school, Sunday was my only day off and instead of using it for sunning myself at the beach, I spent it in my pj's napping away the exhaustion of my shopping trip. As always, it was another long, BUT FUN shopping trip with Luscious.
OK, definitely not as much humor as the original story (ruined by Son), but it's done and I have posted. I figured I needed to get something out there since I have had a formal complaint lodged against me....tee hee.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Woo Yeah!
I like the Whopper, BEEP the Big Mac. ~ Rob Base
One of my favorite '80's songs is It Takes Two by Rob Base. It not only sounds good, but it is attached to a fabulous memory of an evening (is evening the appropriate word?) spent riding and singing with Carolina and Ethel (are you with me, girls? i'm so glad we got jim home safely - By the way, dear readers, there was no jim with us...it was all a scam we made up as an excuse to be on the Duke campus). I think it was after we went to see the Indigo Girls and the Violent Femmes...I trust Carolina will correct me if I am mistaken. Hearing that song transports me first to the night in Ethel's sedan...all three of sharing the front seat bee-bopping along without a care in the world, still experiencing that euphoria one feels after a concert. It is one of OUR SONGS. When my brother got married I brought the CD in and forced the DJ to play it numerous times as we danced drunkenly about. The "song gods" must have sensed my early morning angst and known how much I needed a boost because I happened across the song on my XM (oh, how I love the XM) on my way to work. I cranked it, more than likely creating hearing loss for Daughter. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and dance like nobody is watching. :0)
One of my favorite '80's songs is It Takes Two by Rob Base. It not only sounds good, but it is attached to a fabulous memory of an evening (is evening the appropriate word?) spent riding and singing with Carolina and Ethel (are you with me, girls? i'm so glad we got jim home safely - By the way, dear readers, there was no jim with us...it was all a scam we made up as an excuse to be on the Duke campus). I think it was after we went to see the Indigo Girls and the Violent Femmes...I trust Carolina will correct me if I am mistaken. Hearing that song transports me first to the night in Ethel's sedan...all three of sharing the front seat bee-bopping along without a care in the world, still experiencing that euphoria one feels after a concert. It is one of OUR SONGS. When my brother got married I brought the CD in and forced the DJ to play it numerous times as we danced drunkenly about. The "song gods" must have sensed my early morning angst and known how much I needed a boost because I happened across the song on my XM (oh, how I love the XM) on my way to work. I cranked it, more than likely creating hearing loss for Daughter. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and dance like nobody is watching. :0)
Hi Ho, Hi Ho
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
–Bertrand Russell
Look out...the breakdown must be imminent! I promptly awoke at 4 AM obsessed with how I was going to fit in everything I need to do today at school. I knew I had to write my parent letter for the week and that my morning planning time would be filled with a team meeting. This notion completely prevented me from going back to sleep. So, what did I do? I gave in to my obsession and answered the call of my dear sweet Dell to compose my letter and email it to school so it would be ready for print. Now it is so close to "alarm time" that it is utterly ridiculous for me to go back to bed. I have already "popped" two Excedrin for a headache that is more than likely due to the stress I have put upon myself already today (either that or it's my ear acting up...it felt kind of odd last night...that's all I need). I am uncomfortable about my day at school because my plans are incomplete....despite the fact that I know that I have last Friday's plans to "go with" and know that I am capable of teaching without explicit plans in front of me. Crap! I just remembered something I left out of my letter! Be right back! There. That's better. For now.
Yesterday I was talking with Carolina. It was wonderful to speak to her. I was sharing with her how I'd been laughing with a friend of mine about how quirky people are (that's the nice way of putting it)....that everyone is "messed up" in some way and in discovering another person's "quirks" is one way to make us feel better about ourselves....our own personal "weirdness" doesn't seem quite so bad. Do you know what...I am so anxiety-filled at this moment that all I can think about is the fact that my alarm is about to go off and I am not near it...I'm going to give in to my OCD and go turn it off before it wakes Hubby...be right back. Whew...mission accomplished with only 7 minutes to spare!! Anyway, back to the random rambling. Carolina and I giggled as we talked about how freakishly anal we had become about certain things....things that never would have bothered us in our college years but would create hives in our present lives. For instance, it was nothing for us to skip a class in undergrad. In fact, we both vividly remember one semester of college where if we ran into each other on campus between classes, it was a rule to just skip the next class. We would have to make sure our paths did NOT cross if we really needed to get to class that day. Some days Carolina would "surprise" me by being seated on the steps outside the building because she knew I'd obey the "rule". Those of you who know me now/met me after college would probably not believe that I could live like that!!! It's just too weird to comprehend! Somehow this freakishness has developed during true adulthood. Carolina summed it up really well....she (and, Carolina, I'm counting on you to make sure I get this right) said that our 30's are a time when we embrace and come face to face with all of our "quirks". I don't think I have quite captured the essence and emotion that went along with the conversation. Carolina, help me out here!!! We each started to share some recent "freak out" stories that we chuckled about. And what did I share? The story of how last week I left a meeting in tears because I was not prepared for the assigned task. One of the group leaders followed me back to my classroom, carrying my books, and spent the next 30-40 minutes with me to "talk me down" and help me begin the task. After the "melt down", I went to Joy's room (I went to her because this is a trait she and I both share....luckily we rarely experience it simultaneously and can laugh about it together - the day we DO share it together will most certainly trigger an apocalyptic reaction of epic proportions) where we laughed about it. Yes, the 30's is definitely a time where we can look at our "quirks". I can't say I enjoy them, but after the initial anxiety wears off, I can look at them and laugh at them knowing that they are just part of who I am. Well, it's officially time to start my day. I am NOW ready to go back to sleep, but that is not an option. Blah. It's even raining. So much for a good hair day. At least I selected a "sunny" outfit for today. I love this cute little outfit....it's so preppie: pink plaid bermudas and a pink collared shirt which can be topped with a pink v-neck sweater AND completed with a sassy pair of pink flip flops (with little wooden heels). I must go, but before I do I will leave with one "deep thoughts invoking" question: Was it just me or was I the only one excited about the "preppie 80's" comeback only to have my happiness subtly ended when the trend was traumatically shortened by the entrance of the "flashdance 80's"? Leggings and bubble skirts? Tight, straight-leg jeans? Discuss amongst y'selves (said in the voice of Mike Meyers as the Jewish woman on SNL).
–Bertrand Russell
Look out...the breakdown must be imminent! I promptly awoke at 4 AM obsessed with how I was going to fit in everything I need to do today at school. I knew I had to write my parent letter for the week and that my morning planning time would be filled with a team meeting. This notion completely prevented me from going back to sleep. So, what did I do? I gave in to my obsession and answered the call of my dear sweet Dell to compose my letter and email it to school so it would be ready for print. Now it is so close to "alarm time" that it is utterly ridiculous for me to go back to bed. I have already "popped" two Excedrin for a headache that is more than likely due to the stress I have put upon myself already today (either that or it's my ear acting up...it felt kind of odd last night...that's all I need). I am uncomfortable about my day at school because my plans are incomplete....despite the fact that I know that I have last Friday's plans to "go with" and know that I am capable of teaching without explicit plans in front of me. Crap! I just remembered something I left out of my letter! Be right back! There. That's better. For now.
Yesterday I was talking with Carolina. It was wonderful to speak to her. I was sharing with her how I'd been laughing with a friend of mine about how quirky people are (that's the nice way of putting it)....that everyone is "messed up" in some way and in discovering another person's "quirks" is one way to make us feel better about ourselves....our own personal "weirdness" doesn't seem quite so bad. Do you know what...I am so anxiety-filled at this moment that all I can think about is the fact that my alarm is about to go off and I am not near it...I'm going to give in to my OCD and go turn it off before it wakes Hubby...be right back. Whew...mission accomplished with only 7 minutes to spare!! Anyway, back to the random rambling. Carolina and I giggled as we talked about how freakishly anal we had become about certain things....things that never would have bothered us in our college years but would create hives in our present lives. For instance, it was nothing for us to skip a class in undergrad. In fact, we both vividly remember one semester of college where if we ran into each other on campus between classes, it was a rule to just skip the next class. We would have to make sure our paths did NOT cross if we really needed to get to class that day. Some days Carolina would "surprise" me by being seated on the steps outside the building because she knew I'd obey the "rule". Those of you who know me now/met me after college would probably not believe that I could live like that!!! It's just too weird to comprehend! Somehow this freakishness has developed during true adulthood. Carolina summed it up really well....she (and, Carolina, I'm counting on you to make sure I get this right) said that our 30's are a time when we embrace and come face to face with all of our "quirks". I don't think I have quite captured the essence and emotion that went along with the conversation. Carolina, help me out here!!! We each started to share some recent "freak out" stories that we chuckled about. And what did I share? The story of how last week I left a meeting in tears because I was not prepared for the assigned task. One of the group leaders followed me back to my classroom, carrying my books, and spent the next 30-40 minutes with me to "talk me down" and help me begin the task. After the "melt down", I went to Joy's room (I went to her because this is a trait she and I both share....luckily we rarely experience it simultaneously and can laugh about it together - the day we DO share it together will most certainly trigger an apocalyptic reaction of epic proportions) where we laughed about it. Yes, the 30's is definitely a time where we can look at our "quirks". I can't say I enjoy them, but after the initial anxiety wears off, I can look at them and laugh at them knowing that they are just part of who I am. Well, it's officially time to start my day. I am NOW ready to go back to sleep, but that is not an option. Blah. It's even raining. So much for a good hair day. At least I selected a "sunny" outfit for today. I love this cute little outfit....it's so preppie: pink plaid bermudas and a pink collared shirt which can be topped with a pink v-neck sweater AND completed with a sassy pair of pink flip flops (with little wooden heels). I must go, but before I do I will leave with one "deep thoughts invoking" question: Was it just me or was I the only one excited about the "preppie 80's" comeback only to have my happiness subtly ended when the trend was traumatically shortened by the entrance of the "flashdance 80's"? Leggings and bubble skirts? Tight, straight-leg jeans? Discuss amongst y'selves (said in the voice of Mike Meyers as the Jewish woman on SNL).
Friday, September 01, 2006
Screamin' Like a Girl
One time when I was really drunk, I decided to pick one of those up. It reared it's head back, then lunged forward and bit the living hell out of my finger. It was stuck there until I started swinging it around. ~ Heatheranne (posted on a board commenting on a pic of a praying mantis)
In this neck of the woods Wednesday is Hubby's poker night. For those of us left behind (Daughter, Son, and me), it is typically "jump in bed and snuggle watching TV night". As Hubby left the other night, he put Finley on her long leash that allows her to roam close to the house. Before we assumed our snuggling positions, it was time to get the dog inside (especially since she has a spot of her own, too - yes, spoiled dog syndrome). As I approached the door, I noticed a brownish critter clinging to the door near the handle that I was about to touch. Yes, just as I thought, a praying mantis. We (thankfully) don't see them often. Now before anyone decides to pick a fight with me about how wonderful these creatures are, let me explain the source of my terror. It all began in elementary school...back in those wondrous years known as the '70's. In class we were studying insects and someone brought in an egg case...later identified as a praying mantis egg case. We all marveled at it through the clear plastic sides of the critter cage. I remember the bright blue lid complete with an abundance of air slits as well as the white handle that could be used to carry the point of interest to other classrooms. Amazing. I had not yet learned of the true evil it possesses. Some time later, we returned from a weekend to find the room swarming with tiny mantises (is that the correct term?). This phase of the cycle had ended and yielded a few hundred mantises which were small enough to escape. Those beady little eyes. Those ferocious hooked arms. Horrific!!! Too many at once. Additionally, they are able to take down a bird! If you don't believe that one...check this out...and I LIVE in Dare County! YIKES! If they ever get a hold of steroids, we're all in trouble. Those things creep me out. But, back to the story. Upon seeing the creature on my door, two main thoughts ran through my head. First, I should let the kids look at it. My freakish feelings for these beasts should not deprive my children of an experience with nature. Second, I contemplated catching the sucker to take to my classroom, risking life and limb. I rounded up Son and Daughter. Son loved it. Daughter got the creeps. Clearly, genetics. When Fun With the Mantis was over, I reached for the door handle so I could release the critter back to the comfort of nature. Reaching for the door, that nasty little booger turned its head and looked me directly in the eye, attempting to entrance me I am sure. All I could envision were those nasty hooks embedded in my flesh. I asked Daughter to go out the front door and walk around the porch to the back door to reduce the chance of mantis/flesh contact. As she neared the door, I grabbed my weapon of choice: the broom. I completely mis-timed the opening of the door, causing the demon to crawl further into the house. Daughter was still holding the door open as I attempted to get said demon to crawl onto the broom so I could exorcise the demon from my home. In doing so, I discovered something about the mantis that I did not know. Not only do they have beady eyes that stare into the depths of ones soul and hook weapons attached to their forearms, they also have the power of flight!!! That sucker flew from one side of the door to the other, finding another wall on which to attach its wretched self!!! This is when the screaming started. Son, Daughter, and I were united in our girlie screams...Daughter being the only true girl. Of course after screaming myself, I told the children we could not scream again because the neighborhood would hear and think we were being slaughtered....which was completely plausible considering our opponent. On my second attempt, the winged warrior flew another four feet, landing on one of my cupboards and inciting another round of harmonious screams. Daughter, having seen me remove crickets and frogs from our home, yelled, "Get the cup!!" I promptly removed my next weapon from the cupboard: a clear green plastic Coke cup. As I stood there, stealthy waiting for my window of opportunity, Daughter approached the wicked invader. The beast turned its head and tried to entrance her with its beady eyes. She wisely averted her eyes. Finally, I moved forward ever so slowly. When I was within striking range, I lunged quickly capturing the beast within the confines of the plastic cup. I could barely contain the beast as it fought against the sides of the cup quite fervently. The scraping of those vicious hooks on the side of the cup was like nails on a blackboard. Daughter ran for the paper. She knew time was precious as I fought to keep the cup pressed tightly to the cabinet door as the beast fought for freedom. With paper in hand and the children at a safe distance, I tipped the cup ever so slightly and slid the paper over the opening of the cup. Unlike the babies escaping through the holes of the critter cage, this invader was not going to escape. This made the intruder fight even harder. I folded the paper around the lip of the cup, instructed Daughter to open the door, and dashed out the door to the porch where I immediately dropped my cup so the beast could escape into the night. That thing was NOT coming to my classroom to terrify others. I truly think our night was much more exciting than any ol' poker night. By the way, should I be concerned or thankful that our screams in the night were not considered odd by any of the neighbors?
In this neck of the woods Wednesday is Hubby's poker night. For those of us left behind (Daughter, Son, and me), it is typically "jump in bed and snuggle watching TV night". As Hubby left the other night, he put Finley on her long leash that allows her to roam close to the house. Before we assumed our snuggling positions, it was time to get the dog inside (especially since she has a spot of her own, too - yes, spoiled dog syndrome). As I approached the door, I noticed a brownish critter clinging to the door near the handle that I was about to touch. Yes, just as I thought, a praying mantis. We (thankfully) don't see them often. Now before anyone decides to pick a fight with me about how wonderful these creatures are, let me explain the source of my terror. It all began in elementary school...back in those wondrous years known as the '70's. In class we were studying insects and someone brought in an egg case...later identified as a praying mantis egg case. We all marveled at it through the clear plastic sides of the critter cage. I remember the bright blue lid complete with an abundance of air slits as well as the white handle that could be used to carry the point of interest to other classrooms. Amazing. I had not yet learned of the true evil it possesses. Some time later, we returned from a weekend to find the room swarming with tiny mantises (is that the correct term?). This phase of the cycle had ended and yielded a few hundred mantises which were small enough to escape. Those beady little eyes. Those ferocious hooked arms. Horrific!!! Too many at once. Additionally, they are able to take down a bird! If you don't believe that one...check this out...and I LIVE in Dare County! YIKES! If they ever get a hold of steroids, we're all in trouble. Those things creep me out. But, back to the story. Upon seeing the creature on my door, two main thoughts ran through my head. First, I should let the kids look at it. My freakish feelings for these beasts should not deprive my children of an experience with nature. Second, I contemplated catching the sucker to take to my classroom, risking life and limb. I rounded up Son and Daughter. Son loved it. Daughter got the creeps. Clearly, genetics. When Fun With the Mantis was over, I reached for the door handle so I could release the critter back to the comfort of nature. Reaching for the door, that nasty little booger turned its head and looked me directly in the eye, attempting to entrance me I am sure. All I could envision were those nasty hooks embedded in my flesh. I asked Daughter to go out the front door and walk around the porch to the back door to reduce the chance of mantis/flesh contact. As she neared the door, I grabbed my weapon of choice: the broom. I completely mis-timed the opening of the door, causing the demon to crawl further into the house. Daughter was still holding the door open as I attempted to get said demon to crawl onto the broom so I could exorcise the demon from my home. In doing so, I discovered something about the mantis that I did not know. Not only do they have beady eyes that stare into the depths of ones soul and hook weapons attached to their forearms, they also have the power of flight!!! That sucker flew from one side of the door to the other, finding another wall on which to attach its wretched self!!! This is when the screaming started. Son, Daughter, and I were united in our girlie screams...Daughter being the only true girl. Of course after screaming myself, I told the children we could not scream again because the neighborhood would hear and think we were being slaughtered....which was completely plausible considering our opponent. On my second attempt, the winged warrior flew another four feet, landing on one of my cupboards and inciting another round of harmonious screams. Daughter, having seen me remove crickets and frogs from our home, yelled, "Get the cup!!" I promptly removed my next weapon from the cupboard: a clear green plastic Coke cup. As I stood there, stealthy waiting for my window of opportunity, Daughter approached the wicked invader. The beast turned its head and tried to entrance her with its beady eyes. She wisely averted her eyes. Finally, I moved forward ever so slowly. When I was within striking range, I lunged quickly capturing the beast within the confines of the plastic cup. I could barely contain the beast as it fought against the sides of the cup quite fervently. The scraping of those vicious hooks on the side of the cup was like nails on a blackboard. Daughter ran for the paper. She knew time was precious as I fought to keep the cup pressed tightly to the cabinet door as the beast fought for freedom. With paper in hand and the children at a safe distance, I tipped the cup ever so slightly and slid the paper over the opening of the cup. Unlike the babies escaping through the holes of the critter cage, this invader was not going to escape. This made the intruder fight even harder. I folded the paper around the lip of the cup, instructed Daughter to open the door, and dashed out the door to the porch where I immediately dropped my cup so the beast could escape into the night. That thing was NOT coming to my classroom to terrify others. I truly think our night was much more exciting than any ol' poker night. By the way, should I be concerned or thankful that our screams in the night were not considered odd by any of the neighbors?
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