Insecurity

That's why actors can take on other lives, because I think basically, at the bottom of everything, they are insecure people. They don't feel themselves to be bright and beautiful, or necessarily beloved. So they're always looking for it. And as long as they are looking for it, they work at their best capacity. So in that way, their insecurity feeds their talent. ~ Anjelica Huston

I do not believe that actors own the market on insecurity. I possess no acting talent unless one considers the farce I live each and every day of my life. I think that it would shock some people (at least the ones that do not know me well) to know that I constantly question everything I do and basically think I never measure up. I worked myself up into such a frenzy yesterday that I literally ended up with a stomachache (is that ulcer finally materializing?). I had a standard first-quarter conference with Son's kindergarten teacher scheduled for 2:45. Even though he's had excellent papers and positive comments on every progress report, I was terrified that I was going to hear some horribly negative information that would reflect on my poor parenting skills. I had braced myself for Daughter to bring home a less than stellar 6th grade report card. She is very independent these days and I really don't see any work and middle school just doesn't communicate with parents the way elementary school does. A poor report card would not only affect how her new administrators and teachers viewed her, it would reflect on my inept parenting. Sad how in my mind all of these things revolve around me. Not only that, yesterday the teachers who turned in their National Board materials in March found out their results. Out of all the candidates from the island, only one earned it. I was so tense waiting for THEIR results. For someone like me who questions her every move, all I could think all day was, "What the hell am I doing?!" I constantly think about National Boards. I dream about it and I cannot block it out of my mind. It is Saturday morning and the sun hasn't even risen and I am persevering about it. My stomach is churning and I am on the verge of tears thinking about how horrendous it will be to open that site next year and find out that my insecurities have become reality. Is it normal to be so negative? Is it normal to always think that everything I do is never good enough even when I have written proof professing the opposite (grades, evaluations, compliments, etc.)? Case in point: I turned in my Entry 4 (Accomplishments and Contributions - or something to that effect) rough draft to our local facilitator at our last county Nat. Board (NB) meeting. She returned it this week with many positive comments. She was impressed with my accomplishments and said it was well-written. Could I even accept this? No. Even though this chick has gotten certified herself and has been selected to be the county facilitator (serving in this capacity for quite some time), I initiated a frantic questioning of other people as to whether or not they find her to be valid. I am STILL not confident that it is decent and not sure at all that the "accomplishments" I've listed are worthy. I have debated in my mind why I am reacting this way. Is it because I feel that what I do is just what everyone should be doing? Is this lapse of sanity how most people feel? On my MySpace I have this stupid survey and one of the questions asks what my biggest fear is. My answer? Fear of failing. I fear failure to an obsessive degree...to the point that I can't/don't take pride in the things that I should view as accomplishments. When I receive a pat on the back, I shrug it off because I don't think I deserve it. "Yeah, that was ok, but have you seen how bad I suck at keeping my house in order?" I can combat any compliment with a negative. IS THIS NORMAL?! Nothing I ever do is good enough for me. This sounds bizarre....and I fear that I will sound like a braggart with this next comment.....BUT if I were to list my "accomplishments", give it to someone, and then get it back with someone else's name on it (this sounds totally stupid - like I wouldn't recognize my own stuff), I would think that that person was successful. With my name on it, it looks as impressive as a grocery list. Being in this NB program is turning into another grad school. It just doesn't bring out the best in me....it triggers my neuroses. Usually they are a bit more dormant....ever-present, but not as pronounced. I just can't stop myself. I even told a friend the other day that I really felt that before I finished my teaching career I would pursue another certification (no, not degree). Luscious will retire before I do and I cannot even fathom working with someone else. We complement each other so well. I cherish our friendship and working relationship. She puts up with my freakish work habits and is right beside me carrying out our elaborate ideas (even on a Friday night @ 9 o'WHAT?!). OK...off topic. The certification I am thinking about would allow me to work with a smaller group of students and would require me to collaborate with all the teachers, but I wouldn't be at one particular grade level. Yes, this could solve the dilemma I will eventually face: teaching without Luscious, BUT it will put me right back into the formal education setting. HMMM. I think I've hit a wall. I can't think of anything else to write and the "voices" are reminding me of all I need to do today/this weekend. Blogging, at the moment, is now being shifted to the "what the hell are you doing wasting your valuable time like this when you have your NB, church bazaar, filthy house, and science presentation to prepare" list. I really wish I could be more carefree so I could climb back into bed, but even if I physically do it, it won't be enjoyable because of my nagging mind. Perhaps a more apropos quote would have been:

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!