Crime Does Pay

And whether you're an honest man, or whether you're a thief,
Depends on whose solicitor has given me the brief. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Prior to commencing the wrath, I must warn you that I have had a terribly stressful and exhausting week that does not have an end in sight for many days. I will attempt to focus on the main purpose of ranting, but cannot promise that I will be able to stick to the topic at hand.

Yes, I understand that this is only fourth grade in my rural beach town and that it will probably look as though I am complaining because my kid did not receive the award that I am about to trash and in the grand scheme of things this will not matter to anyone ever. Having said that, I cannot get past it without publicly bitching about the situation. Yesterday was the 3rd-4th grade awards assembly. I was SO proud of Daughter for earning a medal for making Principal's List for the entire year! She missed it by ONE "B" last year! Many months ago Daughter's pencil pouch containing all of her writing and coloring tools was stolen. Daughter saw what resembled the pencil pouch in a friend's cubbie and asked the child (henceforth referred to as Mugsy) where she had gotten the pouch. Mugsy said that she had gotten it at home. My anal tendencies did not pay off in this situation since there was no tag on which to put Daughter's name so I had not placed her name anywhere on the pouch, fearing that the pouch would be ruined. Mugsy then wrote her own name on the pouch. Daughter recognized specific items in the pouch that we had purchased...especially the scented erasers. These were different than most of the other school supplies because we had purchased them the year before and had not used them because they did not match that year's color palette of supplies. We broke them out this year because even though they were "last season", they matched this year's colors. I would not have pursued it, but it was really bothering Daughter to know that someone had her stuff and was getting away with it. I knew that Mugsy's teacher had an obvious "soft spot" for her and a rather strong unfavorable feeling towards me. I knew I could not approach her about the problem. After discussing the situation with a friend, I finally broached the Pencil Pouch Problem with another 4th grade teacher, Secret Agent (she would be ideal for any CIA position or any position that required making people "come clean"). An unsuccessful sting operation was set up. Finally, Mugsy was approached by the Secret Agent and finally confessed to the crime. She crossed her name off the pencil pouch and sloppily wrote Daughter's name at least three times, in my opinion, ruining the pouch as it no longer looked neat...it looked like a piece of used crap. So, Mugsy not only stole...she also lied to a friend, lied to adults, and defaced property. Stellar.

Return now to the semi-present.....Thursday's award ceremony. Mugsy is in the homeroom of that "soft spot" teacher (like I'd give out any of her code names HERE). I see Mugsy's mom and dad (did I mention that Soft Spot had a serious dating relationship with Mugsy's dad?) at school for the awards assembly. As her name is called BY Soft Spot for the freakin' Citizenship Award of all things, all I could do was lean over and whisper, "Pencil pouch!" in Hubby's ear. Soft Spot spoke of her so eloquently...smiling face blah blah blah NEVER CATTY blah blah blah. Puke, wretch, barf, vomit - ugh! Did I expect my kid to get the Citizenship Award? No. Did I expect a thief to get the Citizenship Award? Hell, no! I had absolutely no objections to the other recipients....but c'mon! As I share this tale with others who know the story of the pencil pouch heist, they are astonished....that IS until I mention Mugsy's name. Then they know WHY that kid received the recognition. In fact, one teacher made the comment to another teacher before the assembly that she was willing to bet that Mugsy would get the award....just because of the Soft Spot situation!!!

Next year we are going to steal all of our school supplies from other students, deface them, and lie about where we got them. I want to guarantee that Daughter gets that award. But will that be good enough? Should we resort to physical violence? Should she bring a weapon to school and actually have a hold up? Please devise the perfect crime she could commit to bring home a gold in Citizenship. I guess we could always go and steal Mugsy's medal...we could always say that Daughter GOT the Citizenship Award, couldn't we?!